I feel a horrible sense of pain. I have to admit the reasons pretty stupid, and if a certain someone were to know what this reason was - he or she would probably laugh indulgently, jab his or her finger at the screen as he or she read my ache and say, "serves you right".
This certain someone tends to feel vindictive even though he or she perfectly wonderful otherwise. Its a clear case of validating one's sense of lack, I can empathise with that. I respect an individual's way of proving they're right (even in a scenario that there is no right or wrong, just the way it is).
Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, by no means do I agree with the reaction. The perspective (mine) was and is clear. Logic and sense seldom prevail in human emotion. Private human emotion.
Right now, I feel this dull pulse of panic at the pit of my stomach. Like I'm extremely distraught. I feel it and yet I stand outside of myself rationalising it, trying to make it go away and yet...again...it doesn't.
The cacophony of telephone conversation, gossip and wasteful exercises of (again) validating our pay cheques continues in the background.
I blame myself and no one else for finding and passionately espousing such environments only to be let down a few moments in time later. I understand this flaw and yet it is embedded in me do deeply.
'The Thorn in my Flesh'
I have a promise from above to be made 'strong through my weakness' to be glorified someday through the very same abrasive that scours at the life I know I can have. I have a dark case of it today. It's a combination of fatalistic thought, deeply scarred mental tissue, patience, a penchant for the dark (by default), faith and the ability to laugh at myself.
What shall I call this malady? An irony? No, that's already taken.
Ever since the holiday a very different throb of thought has worked it's way into pockets of my mind where I had successfully managed to lock out all feeling and reason and be able to function like the drones (I'm surrounded by them). But you can't control the throb of thought.
If I were to meet this certain someone anywhere, they probability of him or her walking away, avoiding me or looking the other (worse case scenario: pretending to not know me) is way higher than any other positive experience. However, to put to rest my dull pulse of panic, I'd like to say that I wouldn't apologise, I would say hi with the same affection and pray that he or she did well. Cause truth be told he or she deserves it. Even more.
But I wouldn't apologise not for me, not for the world, not for him or her. There was nothing to apologise for. It was wonderful.
Ah well...such is life. Revisitation of an extremely personal nature among other things should be avoided at all costs.
The pulse of panic has dulled to a blip.