Monday, July 31, 2006

Choices - the confusing decision

There are so many things i could wish for right now and know in my heart and reality that it wouldn't happen. Unless, i moved my ass to get it.

But the one thing that has continued to be elusive is the search for that one person. as the years slip by ever so evidently, i have come to no conclusions, because fools do that.

I have however come to a fork in the road with an inn by the side, that allows me to sit down and look at the fork awhile and wonder which raod to take. There is no guarentee of who and what i'll experience (pun intended!) and there is absolutely no synopsis of what each trail promises to assure me in terms of benefits or cons (like the home shopping network).

All i can and have to do is choose one road. Exciting to some, exhilirating to others. To me, it's just plain confusing. I don't know what i'm taking any of the roads for; ahead of me i only have a vague idea of where i'd like to end up. Unlike some of the irritants who know everything they want, right down to the colour of their parasol when their 64.

There was a time these people could make me feel so inadequate, that i'd want to curl up and disappear. Although that has changed dramatically to wanting to clock them on their head till they bleed, i still hurt from the surety that they possess.

Am i a wanderer, an aimless single woman? Or am i someone who's just up for what's being thrown at her. I don't know, what do you think? I'm sick and tired for putting myself out there only to be served cold. I hate that when i'm able to emote with such passion, that the people pass me by, that they don't see the light in my eyes, it makes me sad.

The many men who parade their profiles continue to find their way to my inbox and my trash can. The ones i venture out to contact, either turn out to be shallow pricks, the others too good looking and perfect for the likes of me. In no way do i mean that as a diss to myself. The diss, verily, is to no one. We all have our short lists.

Rejection, i have learnt is a bitter pill to swallow, even it is covertly done and you and the person don't know each other (a.k.a online, e-mails, chat sessions), but it stings nevertheless. When i send out one of those, i do think about how their faces will twitch from an expectant stare to a let down whistle. And i do feel bad. Because i could and possibly will be a recipient of one of those badly written polite declines.

Which brings me to the stage where i ask myself, is it worth being on this here, is it so bad that one can't find someone on their own. Does it take me more than just a half baked attempt at this game to find someone truly meaningful?

Is there no supernatural way I could be spirited to the exact spot i'll bump into this person?

What is hard work when one is trying to find a life partner? Speed dating sessions, botched trials, blind dates, hobby classes, walks on the beach, impromptu club hopping, meeting friends of friends (okay that's out!), work (no way!), What does it take...better still what will it take?

I'm okay. I think i can say that now. I have plateaued with my hate for this place. I still don't like it. But like they say, i can choose how i can use my negativity. I have started to push all of that energy into work and i have got some good work done. By my standards, i need to notch up something for the year spent here.

So, i work and then when the clock strikes 6, I pack, leave and drive home. I reach home, watch tv with aj, and then i sit back and start talking with him. Being my brother, he has his way of being an angel and letting me talk and then doing the same, so that we're on the same page. Once we're way past normal sleep hours, we pray, say Amen and go to sleep.

Mundane, yes. Complicated, no.

I have realised i want to study again. I also know i would like to fall in love for keeps, i now know that life sometimes is worse for the better.

But these life lessons, are just that, lessons that graduate you to bigger situations, to larger implications. I think i'm going to post this on my blog. See what the few people who even know about it think.

I'm stumped. Am i making too much of this blank i'm experiencing. Oh, by the way, I have realised that friends and socialising with people is a blessing and i intend to practice with aplomb when i'm back. So, watch out! (I'm kidding! Dont lock your door! No, really!)

I really everyone, i miss Bangalore, i miss those days when things were a lot more simpler, and i miss that i'll never be able go back, I miss that it will never be the same. It will be new and better, but i still miss what it was. Does that make sense? :)

Ah well...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Life Update - "Hmmm..."

My colleague walked up to me as i reviewed responses from my enthusiastic family's(much love!)reactopm to my tiny spark of interest to the possibility of pursueing details about mystery man, who happens to have floated off the internet (much thanks be due to my Aji-kutta for sending this one on) and on to my screen. "This is desperation," she said.

I didn't reply, i just switched windows and started to type. I didn't think it was anyone's business. Bad enough, i'm trying to deal with this on my own and the last thing i needed was an opinion completely forged on tight ass!

The moment she walked away, i stopped typing, lookied above my screen and chewed on my lip, wondering whether i should or shouldn't. I did. I switched screens again and looked at the guy's profile. How in the world is someone like him still looking?

My aunt's loving response to this over the phone two nights ago - what business did someone like me have asking this question when i was doing the same thing? Safe to say, it's a long story and also a very intense one. I don't regret the journey nor the time spent - will never ever regret it.

To say i was extremely flattered; would be a sore understatement. Bless your soul Vkchma!

And so, i mustered up the piss-pot edgy dare to mumble an interested "Hmmm..." and you know the rest.

A press office is officially in place, logistics have begun tracking; hearty congrtulations are being shared in upper echelons of home and news wires have started to wag their jaws. Such is the excitement.

I mean they barely took some time off from Big Brotha's initiation into the soon-to be-wed group - and now one little "hmmm..." has started them up again. I do laugh indulgingly to see how wickedly happy they all are - like they've had a breakthrough. Nevermind.

And so, the search and the menu intensifies. All this with one little "hmmm..."

Later y'all...later...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Road Block #1

It was bound to happen sooner or later...

Frustrated tapping at keys and a dwindling form to my topic essay is driving me around the bend. With over 7 topics to choose from, i assigned my self the 'bright spark' task of writing out some sort of brief synopsis of each one to enable me to understand which one would be better suited.

Work has been relatively quiet enough and so the endurance of such frustrating ache has been easier on my mind.

Keep punching...keep punching...

Friday, July 14, 2006

My Journey - so far...

Yello Yello,

Thought i'd post my update and tell you how far i have far i have identified one unversity (so far, the search continues) that could provide for my thirst for research and English studies, they have identical courses to what i was hoping apply for. It's been good responses all round, have written to them, awaiting reply on my submission of topics.

Anne, if you do get here [my brotha will guide you ;; incase i don't send you the link first], tell me what you think of these topics. Everyone else, who passes by lemme know your thoughts. Add on something, build on it feel free!

English studies:

1) Contemporary Fiction, Modernism and Trauma; texts and publishing

2) Pathway in Modern and Contemporary Writing and Culture
3) Pathway in Modern and Contemporary Writing and Religion / Spiritual texts (Interest fuelled)


1) Contemporary fiction publishing & literary prizes
2) Marketing and Management in Publishing (Interest fuelled and career focussed)
3) Publishing and book trade outside the UK (career focussed)

Publishing has been some what of an interest i harboured for awhile, before life took its course. Would love to makeover my career with books at its core.

Question: When researching for possible topics of study, must one only consider the passion or the viability behind them once outside the portals of knowledge? Hmmm...a penny for your thoughts...