Monday, October 31, 2005

Despite the Despite.

Domestic violence. Tis without a doubt something one mulls about alone. It has been a recurring nightmare, it has been a scary thought. It is dreaded, and yet, it is silently endured by millions of women. Working women. Homemakers. Daughters. Mothers. Wives.

As i step into a new phase in my life, i consider partners and somehow my mental anguish drives me to check on family first. Odd. I'm marrying the man aren't i? But what maketh the man?

As we glide down the aisle to gasps and rustling silk, the euphoria is mixed with the spice of dread, with the yellow of fear, with the rush of adrenaline and inky black which is unknown. Looking up at him, you're thinking, "for better or worse...Who am i kidding here?"

Does is warrant a woman to bear the brunt of unfair petulance if the male's concept of food is not found on the table. Is it warranted if she doesn't go down on him enough? When she speaks her mind? When he thinks it's needed to keep things in check (also read as 'there was no other way, i tried everything else')? Is it warranted? Period.

Today, with the kind of media coverage and exposure to the world and it's events, things aren't a secret anymore. One of the pioneers of feminism took 5 years or more to get out of her violent marriage, while her views and blood rousing theory permeated into the society and spawned many others to begin a movement. Today we can be proud and say we definitely have it better. It's out there, the knowledge, the self help groups, the shelters. The unsure future. Not enough of it. But it's there. So is that a good sign?

So is it a time for us to heave sigh of relief or continue to be worried? Despite the despite, we're all still potential victims. I read an article on Krav Maga (Hebrew for contact combat) and i began to make mental notes to myself. I have to sign up. You can never tell what could happen.

You never know. In your quest for the 40 years together, something could snap. Or am i taking this too seriously? Can this be my way of preparing against, what i witnessed? What i have seen, heard and shared? Is it possible that in my formative years a steady but heavy dose of anger and a keen eye to take someone's innards out, make me more prepared. Am i prepared?

I sometimes lapse into a deep state of dark. I think of the worst that could happen to me. I think of being beaten, i think of being bruised, battered even. And i slump against the cupboard, heaving. I taste the salt in my blood, and i imagine the whole injustice of the arrangement. And all i can do is sob, a heavy, desperate and lonely sob.

I sometimes imagine kicking mid-violence, and hitting soft gut, of kicking the air out of the perp's lungs, and then a mad, blunt and determined punch to the throat. I imagine standing over and finally seeing what dead really is. And i spit in contempt.

I hope i never have to resort to any of the two. Cause i know it will be a twist of both. Latter. Definitely. One cannot imagine the drive i have. I can't fathom the whole feeling myself. It's that deep. It's that ingrained. To fend for myself.

"If i don't love you. God help you. If i do. Then there's hope."

We call them mothers and many times we take so much of their lives for granted. And when you hit womanhood, the can of worms begin to spill. They're everywhere. And then after it's all out in the open. They smile, sigh and shake their heads trouncing off to make lunch. Leaving you in a perpetuated vortex of horrible. You shake from outrage, you sit there stumped for expression. And then it seeps into you - cold, tar-like fear. What if? What would i do?

I don't fear the consequences of walking out. I don't fear what the world would say about me. I do not think that there is reason enough (not even in religion) to put up with that. I do not believe that a woman needs to stay in it for the kids. I don't believe the kids would want that either.

Even if it says that a woman comes from man, or even it says we're to consider ourselves below the male. Or even if we did hand you the Apple. There isn't enough anywhere to make up for it. No reason on earth or the third dimension. No matter what it is. I'm sure there's a lot more to it than just Chapter X. Vs x - y. There's more to it.

For those of you who sit at the table. At the head. If you believe that it is your right. Then believe this. That there will be a backlash. To everything that is taken for granted. There is a full circle.

And may you be at the recieving end of it.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Post-trance like state - I do believe in the good of humanity, and i do believe that i will find someone who isn't the kind to 'let-the-belt-do-the-talking'. I do know that there are families who have had a more realistic approach to things in life, and that guys know better. Think and feel. That they have a more open and loving attitude.

I used to have a vague idea of what i would want my partner to be. It's not that anymore. It's changed. Now, i know what i want. No ideas, no borrowed or sugar coated possibilities.

I know. But i had to write this. So...yeah.


The Emperor of Ice-cream

Call the roller of big cigars
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
as they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last months newspapers.
Let it be the finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Wallace Stephens
'Emperor of Ice-cream'


The latest on my indulgence list is LUSH. Sweet mother of heaven, this is definitely something that is setting my senses on fire, and i'm just reading the descriptions and i'm going nuts! Yaaah! Will definitely indulge when the moolah is raked. Yummm. Every day. Sigh! Whenever i can. (Okay you get the picture!)

Over and out.

The Universe - cont'd


My mind and me: Like Pizpot Gargravarr explains in length.

"I think we were probably not very well suited," said Gargravarr again at length; "we never seemed to be happy doing the same things. We always had the greatest arguments over sex and fishing. Eventually we tried to combine the two, but that only led to disaster, as you can probably imagine. And now my body refuses to let me in. It won't even see me..."

He paused again tragically.

" It says i only inhibit it. I pointed out that in fact i was meant to inhabit it, and it said that that was exactly the sort of smart alec remark that got right up a body's left nostril, and so we left it. It will probably get custody of my forename."

"Oh...?" said Zaphod faintly. "And what's that?"

"Pizpot," said the voice. "My name is Pizpot Gargarvarr. Says it all really, doesn't it?"

"Errr...." said Zaphod sympathetically.


At that moment another dismal scream rent the air and Zaphod shuddered.

"What can do that to a guy? he breathed.

"The Universe," said Gargravarr simply, "the whole infinite Universe. The infinte suns, the infinite distances between them and yourself an invisible dot, infinitely small."

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Universe

Pieces from a Book i trip on - The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The Universe, as has been observed before, is an unsettlingly big place, a fact which for the sake of a quiet life most people tend to ignore.

Many would happily mov to somewhere rather smaller of their own devising, and this is what most beings in fact do.

Exotic though this behaviour may seem, there is no life form in the Galaxy which is not in some way guilty of the same thing, which is they Total Perspective Vortex is as horrific as it is. For when you are put into the Vortex, you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny marker, a microscopic dot on a microscope dot, which says "You are here."


The Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses. To explain - since every piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation -- every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition and their economic and social history from, say one piece of fairy cake.

The man who invented the TPV did so basically in order to annoy his wife.

"... if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion."

The Song that best describes me

Well, we've all got a song. Here's mine.

Squint your eyes a little bit closer. I'm not between you and your ambition.
I'm a postergirl with no poster. I'm 32 flavours and then some.

And i'm beyond your peripheral vision.
So you might want to turn your head.
Someday i'm gonna get hungry and eat up all of the words that you just said.

I am. What i am.
I am 32 flavours and then some.

God help you if you are ugly, girl. Or stupid is also your tone.
Cause everyone harbours a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.

God help you if you a phoenix and if you dare to rise up from the ash.
A 1000 eyes will smoulder with jealousy while you are just flying. Away.

I am. What I am.
I am 32 flavours and then some...
Taking my chances as they come.

I am 32 flavours and then some...
I am no one but i am somone one.

I never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you.
And i'd like to state for the record i did everything that i could do.

I am beyond your peripheral vision.
So you might want to turn your head.
Someday you're gonna be starving and eating up all the words that you just said.

That you said...

I am. What i am.
I am 32 flavours and then some.
Taking my chances as they come.

I am 32 flavours and then some.
Seeking the truth but there is none.

I am 32 flavours and then some.
Never forget where i come from.

I am 32 flavours and then some.
I an no one, but i am someone.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Sajan Kurikose Story

Over the past few months, cases of death, killing and suicide have abounded in the papers, giving the once 'safe haven' and justice driven city into a shaky foundation, with absolutely no resolution, or assurance of the truth.

It's the typical case of whodunit? Man found in the boot of his car at Al Nasr Cinema four days ago. No one knows how he died, but there are some fishy loops being explored.

Sajan Kuriakose, was found dead in the boot of his own car, on the 14th of October. After a rushed phone call to his wife Suni,telling her that he would pick her up on his way home. He never arrived, and a search hunt resulted in Kuriakose's body being discovered in one of the most busiest and popular spots in Dubai city.

His body now lies in a shroud of mystery as police, hospital officials and a distrught family try to understand this tragedy. Sections of the press has had a field day with the speculation as claims of suicide, false forensic reports, and a tall order of mental instability do the rounds. It's impossible really. The truth still avoids distraught widow Suni, who spoke to the press officially only today (18th Oct,2005), defending her husband and denying the false reports that have branded her husband a mentally instable suicide victim. His wife and family angered over the speculation decided to come forward to clear Sajan's name of the false allegations.

The 33 year old Indian computer programmer's last call to his wife, was a hurried one. Suni said he sounded scared. The family was allowed access to the body only yesterday and was only allowed to see his face. The rest of his body was covered with a shroud, and they were not allowed to touch him. It has been confirmed that no post mortem was carried out on the body. And yet...forensic reports confirm his suicide. Problem no.1.

Futher investigation and official statements from Suni reveal that her husband, that two of his colleagues (Javed and Susan) were being questioned on possible embezzlement charges. Sajan also claimed that someone had hacked into his computer files, and he wasn't aware of what exactly ws going on, but that he was safe. Was he really? Problem no.2.

Threads being explored: Rumours of a gang that kills on hire are doing the rounds, with the MO being slitting throats. Sajan's body was covered, no one knows how he was killed/how he died. Was he murdered by a hired gang?

That fateful Thursday he left for work. The last time Suni heard from him was when he told her he would pick her up on his way home.

The Kurikose's family and parish have been a pillar of support during this time, and Suni has been a picture of deep anguish and determined calm through the entire ordeal. The staff from Sajan's workplace (AST Trading) haverefused to comment so far on the matter.

The mystery continues...the watch remains.

It now boils down the point of whether expatriates can seek justice in a world they once sought for financial stability and a better future. With dubious reports, and no comments, and a possible quick wrap up of events (which is the most expected...), will Suni ever know how her husband of nine years died?

With funeral preparations, relocation and financial procedures to be taken care of, will the UAE justice and police department leave this case to die it's natural death?

Followup (Pending):

The Kiwi juice case, where another expatriate Indian couple, died of mysterious poisoning is yet to see any development, as the Indian cousulate tries in vain to move any paperwork or push for possible answers in the deluge that is the current justice and investigation system. Is this a new turn of events and responsibility for the city's crime fighting teams? Only time will tell.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Spot my favs

You've gotta love, maska pav. It's succulent, small bite sized sanwiches that give the right fix when your stomach does the churn! Oh, and there's more actually, there's bakes, melt in your mouth garlic bread and i will not under any circumstances leave out the dates banana and cream. Mmmm Mmmm!

I hit upon this place, when iftar hours were offically in session. It's called the Midnight Cafe (and every mallu would understand this, like no other) and owned by a friend's wife's brother in law (like i said, only a mallu would understand the connection!). It's the smallest cafe and like it's punchline - with a lot! It's exactly one room small, houses a kitchen (fully equipped) with 3 staff, and two tables with four chairs on the pavement. What makes it's special is for one, the menu. And second, the kind of simple, yummy options and the fact that it's always open till midnight - no matter the occassion, the reason or the weather. I love that in a place.

So what have we got? western fast food menu with an indian twist. And so...we've got sandwichs, clubs, subs, hot dogs, meal deals (which consist of bakes and 4 different types of fried chicken), 2 soups on the menu, seven garlic bread options (chili cheese and salami - a must mention), salads, pizzas, burgers, beverage, dessert and a partridge in pear tree!

Now if you take a good look at that, you'd probably think that every single small shop has this on offer - and i'd say i'd beg to differ. Let me explain, and for those who get it, you're the only ones who deserve to enjoy the fruits of intellect. Take a walk down MG road, and past the blinking lights and the fast cars into the side roads that offer the real treasure of a quick bite, as you pass the savoury carts with roasting corn and spiced peanuts in paper cups, the waft of a small jazz cafe draws you unto the well loved and roamed Church street, and it is here, the many chilled out zones splays itself out unto the pavements with Brother Rozario's sax playing in the background, you get to pick on a menu that by far offers you a fare, that not only gets your palate bursting, but your senses waiting for a very familiar home-like ease, which no Johnny Carino, or India Palace can offer you. Trust me...this menu? is da bomb. Tis the real thing, yo.
And so, as you bite into the soft bread/the wheat wrap/the slush of beautiful juice that wraps around some of the most amazing concoctions you can think of; One gets that sense of jazz by the asphault, and's good to be home.

And oh, brotha/sista found Gafoorka's mess last night ;) - now this is da nuclear bomb, wot say?

I'm smiling like a cat that got more than it's fair share of creaaaammmm....;J

Other places we should do a round of:
Simran's Appam Kadai - those appams are to drool for and please (oh!please) try the mango prawn curry...tralaalalala!

Muah y'all...

Monday, October 10, 2005

i'm all misty...sniff...

No, i'm not here to diss this whole concept. Apart from the fact that it's so outdated, it's also currently a fad to give it a thought. When loves runs out on you, what else do you do, but to take up your yoke and try out the method that you abhorr. Sure, it's embarrassing. It has to be, bad enough you have to swallow your pride. Ahem...

And so, the marriage markets open it's doors to your very sore being, as your trudge past the caskets of resumes and profiles, your parents (picture this in slow mo) are running amok in the crowds, dizzy from excitement, shaking hands with the vendors, clicking on free kiosks, uploading your details and smiling (widely) at everyone, nodding their heads toward you with pride, and probably hugging you more than they used to, kissing you, telling you what a good child you are.


Urgh, well that isn't exactly the scenario really. Marriage is and always will be a step in the life of an individual. You run out of juice with the folks, you come of your own and the next natural biological, psychological step would be to look for a mate. Some find it on their own, other let the parents do it, and some others now use the technology we call the wide web. Some others, very different from the rest, mesh all the three to find love, acceptance, blessing and life together.


Which one am i? Honestly, i'm a gazpacho of everything. i'm a wounded soldier, battle scarred and limping into a hospice where laid down to rest among the other brave, i battle it out with my mind wondering what the bloddy hell, just went wrong here? No answers so far. Ah well...
Well i wouldn't really relegate this little mishap to an Ah well status, but what can one honestly do, eh? I'm laid bare, inards scattered for all to see. I'v detested the whole arranged marriage concept really. Cause what i've seen of it, has been pretty pathetic, so i just assumed - it isn't for me.

Over time, it has changed, y'know. Things are a lot more open and discussed, and the good thing is your choice counts this time. And that's heartening. So, officially, i'm on the market. My profile is doing the rounds, and yet....i can't let some tuggy feeling out my mind. Maybe it's my fantasy person again, coming up from all the murky experiences, and sending out telepathic messages - hehehe.

I never did really let got of my fairy tale meeting. I can picture it.

I'm walking down this Hyde Park lookalike place (well maybe it is Hyde park, i'm not sure!).

It's lonely, the streets are packed with people strolling by with not a care for who's around them, i'm a nobody here, i've something in my hands, it could be an umbrella or maybe it's bag, and as i walk on the side streets, looking at the trees, and the occassional loner with a book, pet or lover - i suddenly stop look to the right and turn. No apparent reason. I start working (right turn taken) my way through the leaves, the dog poo and the occassional frisbee and then i see a tree, it's large, oaky (i'm not good with types of trees, flora and fauna scientifics!) and i stop.

There's a bench - and there's someone on it. It's a he of course!!!! (Geez). And then i don't know, it mists up again. Now i'm not sure, given NLP, and hypnotherapy being quite popular, whether it's from another lifetime, or whether it's the future. I can't really see his face, i can sense it, i kind of have a very hard boom booming of the heart, i feel like i've found something very significant (it's never happened before so i obviously know that it's a big deal). There's a smile, and i do sit down, it's like it was meant to happen. I haven't a clue after that. I just hope it's not after i'm married with kids, and a husband! I trust God wouldn't be that cruel to me. I know he wouldn't do that.

So if you're out there, i'll see you at Hyde Park, yeah?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Ah well! Camels to Cadillacs - wot can you expect?

Yeah, it's the age old sigh. We let loose those two words of pathetic every single time, life lets up on us. Ah well!

Did life let up on me? You betcha, it always does, doesn't it? I mean think about. Did something piss me off today? Of course it did, i mean why would i be in such prosaic mood, if something unfair didn't take place.

You know i'm sitting in a city veiled (don't mind me or the pun!), with a deep disrespect for core human values and people (south asian, and anyone else with a slower, weaker currency - freakonomics! The science of applying economics to everything makes total sense!). Sure, they've got it all right on the paper, and my apologies to the one's who practice what they preach, but truly,the rest of clan, here, isn't doing something right.

I could wax eloquent, but then why bother?; as this remains a rant, a cry into a ravine so deep, that ravine is not a word anymore, it's state of being. I'm falling in a city, where the colour rush is deeper than just a word or an attitude, it's practice(and my, with what open pride i might add)!

Your expertise and contribution could just be limited to the fact that you're baubled to the right degree, have a thick (ridiculous!) accent of exotica arablish, and enough jewellry to bling any fellow homosapien into kingdom come. One such creature got my job, the one i'm supposed to be working on and making a success (teeth in a clench - everytime i think about it!). I'm being blung (with the bling, remember?), right now, into the wide open spaces that i'd like to call 'Of No Recovery'. From what? How's inequality for starters? From deep set culture misconceptions and a blatant disregard for south asians., i'm not cleaning the slate...this is a mind war.

One waged with single minded determination and a very hard running approach to the way life unfolds itself in the deserts of the United Arab. You know, it's helpful. It's gotta be. The Oil, the camel to cadillac progression, the sheer disregard for the the ones with the dawdling foreign exchange (Hail white trash, dollars, euro and single minded focus to use the abused till they retaliate!).

Nice going on the unpaid wages for 6 months, by the way, i mean where else in the world do you get away with such injustice, or should i say, complacency? It took 1000s of starving ematiated workers to walk down the middle of Shiekh Zayed Road to drive the point home, eh? And gee, would you look at that - they're all south asians and pakistanis and your handful of other scorched in the inhumane conditions!

You're right, as long as you have control over the $ per barrel, why wouldn't you sit with your dresses pulled high, legs and feet a mesh of comfortable on your car dashboards while you let the air conditioning do what it needs to do. I have to tell ya, the seed bags really need some cooling, and the airconditioning isn't really cutting it for ya. No, really!

There is a cause and effect cycle though. The one i call sweet retribution, and it isn't far off. so go ahead choose the ditzy over the determined, choose the easy way while you can, obviously you're all on one big f*&^ing holiday ever since the bedouins divided and ruled, and lo behold a sky scraper! Hmmm...if it were only so easy.

I feel sorry for the multi nationals that operate in such slip shod conditions where the real jobs are veiled and underpaid, while the embellishments, walk in and out of their dreams, like it's one big stupid party. Some day....some sweet day, reality will bite, and i hope it bites down HARD.