Monday, July 31, 2006

Choices - the confusing decision

There are so many things i could wish for right now and know in my heart and reality that it wouldn't happen. Unless, i moved my ass to get it.

But the one thing that has continued to be elusive is the search for that one person. as the years slip by ever so evidently, i have come to no conclusions, because fools do that.

I have however come to a fork in the road with an inn by the side, that allows me to sit down and look at the fork awhile and wonder which raod to take. There is no guarentee of who and what i'll experience (pun intended!) and there is absolutely no synopsis of what each trail promises to assure me in terms of benefits or cons (like the home shopping network).

All i can and have to do is choose one road. Exciting to some, exhilirating to others. To me, it's just plain confusing. I don't know what i'm taking any of the roads for; ahead of me i only have a vague idea of where i'd like to end up. Unlike some of the irritants who know everything they want, right down to the colour of their parasol when their 64.

There was a time these people could make me feel so inadequate, that i'd want to curl up and disappear. Although that has changed dramatically to wanting to clock them on their head till they bleed, i still hurt from the surety that they possess.

Am i a wanderer, an aimless single woman? Or am i someone who's just up for what's being thrown at her. I don't know, what do you think? I'm sick and tired for putting myself out there only to be served cold. I hate that when i'm able to emote with such passion, that the people pass me by, that they don't see the light in my eyes, it makes me sad.

The many men who parade their profiles continue to find their way to my inbox and my trash can. The ones i venture out to contact, either turn out to be shallow pricks, the others too good looking and perfect for the likes of me. In no way do i mean that as a diss to myself. The diss, verily, is to no one. We all have our short lists.

Rejection, i have learnt is a bitter pill to swallow, even it is covertly done and you and the person don't know each other (a.k.a online, e-mails, chat sessions), but it stings nevertheless. When i send out one of those, i do think about how their faces will twitch from an expectant stare to a let down whistle. And i do feel bad. Because i could and possibly will be a recipient of one of those badly written polite declines.

Which brings me to the stage where i ask myself, is it worth being on this here, is it so bad that one can't find someone on their own. Does it take me more than just a half baked attempt at this game to find someone truly meaningful?

Is there no supernatural way I could be spirited to the exact spot i'll bump into this person?

What is hard work when one is trying to find a life partner? Speed dating sessions, botched trials, blind dates, hobby classes, walks on the beach, impromptu club hopping, meeting friends of friends (okay that's out!), work (no way!), What does it take...better still what will it take?

I'm okay. I think i can say that now. I have plateaued with my hate for this place. I still don't like it. But like they say, i can choose how i can use my negativity. I have started to push all of that energy into work and i have got some good work done. By my standards, i need to notch up something for the year spent here.

So, i work and then when the clock strikes 6, I pack, leave and drive home. I reach home, watch tv with aj, and then i sit back and start talking with him. Being my brother, he has his way of being an angel and letting me talk and then doing the same, so that we're on the same page. Once we're way past normal sleep hours, we pray, say Amen and go to sleep.

Mundane, yes. Complicated, no.

I have realised i want to study again. I also know i would like to fall in love for keeps, i now know that life sometimes is worse for the better.

But these life lessons, are just that, lessons that graduate you to bigger situations, to larger implications. I think i'm going to post this on my blog. See what the few people who even know about it think.

I'm stumped. Am i making too much of this blank i'm experiencing. Oh, by the way, I have realised that friends and socialising with people is a blessing and i intend to practice with aplomb when i'm back. So, watch out! (I'm kidding! Dont lock your door! No, really!)

I really everyone, i miss Bangalore, i miss those days when things were a lot more simpler, and i miss that i'll never be able go back, I miss that it will never be the same. It will be new and better, but i still miss what it was. Does that make sense? :)

Ah well...


gadarene said...

Sis,i just have this to say,i've realized life is ALL about phases...b.t.w did i tell you that i'd almost given up on finding that 'wonderwoman' who'd make me happy as well as a choice that would make Ma & Dad happy as well?,(y'know your Vk'ama's take:"as long as she speaks our language & calls our God", well technically she doesn't speak 'our language' but the fact that she's Abraham Malpan's(founder of the Marthoma church) great granddaughter makes up for that...whatever :)...)anyways i'd put down my quest to find that elusive mal. woman as a stoner/dreamer's trip but the Big Guy thought otherwise & the rest is history...keep the faith Sis & in the mean time get on with the rest of life...easier said than done...but that's life eh?...take care...regards to Aj...miss you'll...:)

Meg said...

Bro, did i tell you're a sweet heart. Anne wrote me and she's totally on our page! y'know?! Y'know. :)

Life continues - fisst raised in defiance. No way it's taking me frikkin way!

gadarene said...

Sis, i know she's 'tawtally' on our page...why you think i'm crazy about her?...:)...take care...later...

FountainHead said...

Enjoyed reading your blog!!! especially this particular one and I would like to apologize for intruding into your privacy if you like to address it such!!! but what the hell its on the net right????? [:D].... just wanted to let you know that its something which I'm really feeling too!!!!! ( please don't get idea and I'm not flirting out here... incase you feel on those lines [:p].....)

I just find my feelings have been written down by someone else!!!!!! and can you beat it!!!!!!! Bangalore!!!!!!!! gosh been there for 22 years and damn now its been 4 good years I'm more of a visitor there!!!!! anyways I would do anything to get back there and as you said!!!!! its never the same when you make your next visit!! miss the place and loved it when it was truly a pensioners paradise!!!

thanks for you time to read my comments again!!!!!!!

Vijay m said...

well, if theres one thing i've learnt from all my my good and bitter experiences is that nothing lasts forever... ABSOULETLY nothing.... everything that happens may it be good or bad comes to an end. A bad day at work ends when the clock strikes 5 or 6 (in your case) same goes for a good day. Think of one thing thats lasted all your life to date(except your parents love)... i bet you cant find anything ...... its scary sometimes when we think about it.... We change , our times change from good to bad and vice versa, its as if theres some kind of cosmic law at work forcing us to change or grow up , it sucks ....sometimes wish we were all just boys and girls..... Now we know what Bryan Adams was thinking when he released his hit " 18 till i die"
Yea i kno what you mean... it makes perfect sense .. about Banglore.... that place is magicc...... Thats the only place i would like to live the rest of my life if given a choice... ie if i dont change and still feel the same about that place.

silverine said...

The weirdest Google search term that landed someone at my blog was "achayathi-pennu-blogspot". I followed the thread and landed at your blog. Nice to meet a another achayathi pennu :)