I do know i'm setting deadlines. I tried doing this before, and i never could get down to respecting a deadline till it started blinking red. That's when i work best.
On the personal front, plans have never been a success. I think, make lists, go the whole hog and do it all accordingly to 'plan' and then it just caves, like badly made cake.
In the past year, i had the time and venue to do a lot of soul searching, i've woken up bathed in sweat, gasping for air - the severity of thought. Imagine, if you will, some of the largest moments in your life twisted, revealing meaning, coming back in full force under the guise of synapse blasts and you'll be wide awake like me - gulping down cups of water from the bathroom tap.
But it has changed me. For good (both ways).
I have come to a door. For the past few weeks i've been in a dark tunnel, scraping my palms along the walls, breathing deeply in anticipation for some light and a way out. And I know stand feeling the door knob of what i know is another portal, a transit into more.