2008

My annual vacation turned out to be an eye-opener of sorts. I say 'of sorts' because the variety of ways my eyes were opened, pale in comparison to last year. :)

Sad. I know. However, i choose to stick to this ironic poke at humour because i am resolved to look at things differently, with a lighter air. Verily I say unto you - it takes bloody effort.

I had candid conversations with my parents (don't we all), witnessed the tragic downfall of family, saw the union of two new ones, and managed to extricate myself from both tricky situations that only annual reunions can conjure within a span of fifteen minutes.

It is with a heavy yet happy heart that i inform you that close people are now strangers and people from far are now familiar. It this precarious balance that i most enjoy; other examples include the universe.

Candid conversations helped open several cans of worms, which i spliced, forked and cut into tiny little bits. There was a lot of jus. Yes both.

I came away from my experience,thoroughly roughed up, scratched and smarting. However, my eyes were shining from the revelation. I looked like a crazy prophet with news only i could rejoice and sorrow with.

Everyone else looked worried. Including the co-passengers on the flight back home. Business class loyals will be pleased to note i ditched in-flight entertainment and slept. Deep. I did wake up for nosh. Terribly sorry.

My mother refuses to speak to ME. I say this not because she won't speak. She just won't speak to the ME. She refuses to acknowledge that i no longer exist as her child but as a woman who once was her daughter.

Titles remain, persons do not.

I believe i will forever be a little girl to my mother. As my child will always remain mine. Even when s/he goes on to write his/her own destiny. Chemical bonding is complex, and therefore i won't grudge her her indulgence.

My father is still profound. I believe i would have loved him less, if he weren't... That is excessive. I love him without borders. But. I do love that he is profound.

And in his profoundness, he accepted the news from my life, he solemnly listened and nodded into emptiness, contemplating everything i said. To be fair, all of my propositions were tinged with emotion.

And his profoundness tinged with trepidation. Believe me - being a profound, thinking mallu (malayalee to the unitiated) man is a challenge. My father, isn't one to back down...but he isn't one to NOT acknowledge that trouble is afoot either.

With this knowledge, he proceeded to explain his take on the matter, and we both decided that it would be best to proceed without indulging into a search for a happy round of applause but stopping to take pride that an independent decision had been taken.

The agenda of course thereafter was to swiftly move on. And get with it. Any sort of selling oneself short hereafter would not be tolerated or forgiven.

At this point you may ask me what exactly the announcement was. Well, it is a pastiche of both serious and frivolous. One was that i was now to foray into the world that i have begun to operate in independently and choose my own partner and the other was that i am quite close to closing the deal.

It was not met with enthusiastic response from my mother. Everyone who knows my good mother can only paint a partial (but colourful) juxtapose of her constitution, should news of such outright callousness be shared.

Such is the magnitude of the one and only Emily Sarah Abraham. Grand innit?

Oh she's grand - she defines the word and more. To the point where i am silently in awe. And yet i cringe, for i can never ever find my self asipring to be what she is.

I have far grander aspirations...it's the genes...what can i say?

Coming back to the matter at hand. I have finally managed to communicate a semblance of my plans. I have also, in my own way of trickling information, let others know.

But i have not really taken it upon myself to announce anything. You may ask why.

The pure reason that drives that decision is a simple belief that i am presently in the throes of what one can call...hmmm...self reflection. I believe my proposed significant other is also in this present point. And we both in our reverie(s) are allowing our close circles to stew uncomfortably in the very same situation.

It isn't simple. The statement of it, may very well be. But in no way, is this current situation any less baffling than the eternal mystery that is choice. Each turn presents itself with a cause and effect.

Eliot (TS) got right. It is a cocktail party.

We are not at a fork. We are at a gyre. Shite.

It is the contemplation of the endless spiralling that we are presently stopped at. The journey, no doubt, will have to continue.

I wait with bated breath and a feeling of unbelievable high - i tend to be crazily happy before such a situation that is few and far in between. And therefore the relish.

You do agree?

I close with a promise of more. Until then...I wish you a good 2008.

Serious topics...hmmm....

I got this message from a good person on Orkut, she said i should probably start blogging on things that matter apart from the things that take place in my life.

Well, i haven't really come across things that really matter here. Unfortunately for me, my life is pretty much about myself and the few people i know.

It shouldn't be that way, i should have something more to offer, to be honest, the person said good things about how say things in print. And this is a heartfelt thank you.

I'm going to have to get off my butt and go search for this meaningful topic, topics, yeah...topics.

For starters, and i know this is personal - i'm now on FB and i do believe it has its fair share of similarities to the million other social networking sites, but then popular vote has most of my friends and acquaintances on it too, so then FB is where everyone is for now.

It can be a tiring past time, but on a given day when you have nothing much to do but lounge, then it can be good past time.

This pretty much sums up how completely wasted i have been over the past few days.

But i did have a kicking time at Ron and Mel's last evening, stayed up till 2:00 a.m. discussing two people who could be 'Heroes' - :) hahahhahaa!

Nuff said...

Losing a bet. But winning something bigger.

So here's the thing, several yeas ago at my mom's dining table, i made a bet for 500 bucks with Neil Eapen that i would get my own pad (with airconditioning, mind you!) and the whole works. Nothing fancy. But something that took care of the basics.

I said i'd do it by 25. I got what i said i would when i turned 27. Missed it by two years. I lost the bet - but i won a whole lot more. Yes, i got air conditioning. Every single last thing on that list. It isn't much if you compare it to the things people are doing int he world today.

People have given up thier lives for causes, some continue to amaze the world with their ability to look beyond boundaries. Others, well...i ain't one to judge or be the last word on anything...but still...they're rockin'.

I'd like to take a page out of that. Tear it up and put it in my pocket. Keep it there so that anytime i'm stuck for inspiration, its crunch and touch will let me know - that i'm not the only one.

I've got this irresisitible pull for something larger, for something deeper. I fight ordinariness everyday, and in a few special people, i cherish that i...we can change it and make it unique - apart - y'know?

I won't let that go. I'm taking it with me and making it mine, ours. Something worth being different for.

I always thought in some funny way, that that bet was the only real thing i had going for awhile. I went through some pretty confusing shit..., but in the end...i had that bet keeping me going.

Neil, if you ever read this, i'd like you to know. It's been worth the 500 bro. Every single paise (the bet was made in Indian currency back in the day).

I got my own pad. It's not permanant. But its mine. : )

Moving on to bigger things now...

Salut!

The Five (of many) Philosophies of Life

The Five (of many) Philosophies of life. We come across these maxims everyday. Opportunities to exercise a difference. To be different. However, at the speed at which we fly, there’s just no time to really sit and think about them. I recently (yesterday) realised how important the first philosophy is to me.

[Oh by the way, if you're wondering where the philosophies are, i've included them below, only because i wanted you to read what i thought about it first...just...]

When I read the second I realised that it made sense. I didn’t cry when my grandfather died, I had my reasons, one of them was that I didn’t know him well enough and the other is he didn’t want us to know him well either. I was cool with that. Like I said. I have my reasons. I didn’t cry when good friends turned bad, I didn’t cry when something I thought special – disappeared.

The third is kind of hard, but not impossible. It makes you feel weak and wimp-like, but in reality you’re anything but that. So if any of you have and are successfully practicing Philosophy number 3, I think that’s a good thing. Philosophy number 4. It’s hard to accept sometimes, but it’s true. The only true happiness we can receive is when we search for the emptiness we have inside and fill it. The lines can blur so many times…but then stick to it, yeah? I know I’ve bruised myself enough, but then before I can successfully lapse into a jaded defeat I immediately bulk up on something I’d like to call a reality check and know in my heart I’m better off than more people I’ll ever know.

Philosophy number 5. Kinda ties in with 4 don’t you think? It balances that sense of loss or self imposed isolation we tend to associate it with it. I’d like to share mine in every way possible.

[Imagine a bard standing on pedestal of some kind loudly announcing these theatrically, with aplomb. With conviction.]

I - "DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE...WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION FOR THEM....."

II - NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY.........

III - TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU, NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE........

IV - NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE, RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE.......

And V - HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS. BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO SHARE IT, WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS!

Dancing with the Sun

Yup. I've migrated officially to the new blogger.

Honestly, it's been awhile, yeah? Apologies to the select few who actually take the time to make it here to read what i have to say. I don't say much really, it's more of a compilation of what i feel and somewhere at the end a reasoning for all of it.

For there is so much to be said and done in our lives. This is just...well...a place we can just type and deliciously enough...be heard by many.

Anyway, i met up with a friend who happens to visit this blog once in awhile with voddy in hand and slow stewing of mind - a nice way to enjoy this space. Since i haven't been on the blogosphere for awhile, he asked me where i was hiding

I had to smile, cause honestly i don't have a valid excuse. I just decided that i would take a break, but the break really came to me, i didn't go looking for it. :)

I wasn't really looking to suddenly be in a chair where i could relax and really breathe for awhile. Respite is short lived, we all know that by now. We're all grown up.

Love is a funny thing, it can make you forget yourself. So deep is the journey that we seldom look up to see if we've still got enough rope to pull us out, should the darkness get to you. Y'see the reason why we forget we ever need rope is that this tunnel is interspersed with light...like convinient pit stops. Just when you're beginning to get scared - boop! You hit a spot of light and then you relax.

It's been over 2 years since my last relationship. I have tried to understand it; and i think to myself that i'm doing a good job of analysing it, simply because i trust that two years alone after that whirwind would make me see things differently. Well, in a way i do. See things differently. I am much more calmer and thnkafully know what i would or would not like in a man.

Is that one step closer to everything i want? Well, it depends on whether i'm evolving and whether what i want can evolve with me. Can he evolve with me?

This diatribe sounds selfish doesn't it? I mean it's all about me. And i ask, why shouldn't it be about me? Why should love always have this over-the-top self sacrificial tone where you're always spouting about what the other person wants.

You can only give if you're getting something. right? Love is a two-way thing. It is something we endlessly feel and aspire to perfect, but as finite beings we are also looking to see if there's something in it for us.

It could be as simple as companionship, or someone to hold on to. There's a lot of give - make no mistake. I mean if you're planning to sit on your high horse and say, "i'm well worth the effort, hon". Well, so is the other person. You wouldn't be seeing him or her if they didn't mean something or weren't worth the effort.

Anyway, this season of love i have witnessed have many friends and old aquantainces gearing up to walk down aisles, sign registers or just plain pledge their committments.

Mel and Ron, i hope you're life together (from the Thursday of your choice! wink!) is an insightful and rewarding exchange of personality, smiles, good times and togetherness.

J & D (you know who you are!) I hope that the steps you're taking together toward a lasting and committed relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, time and fun. Lots of fun ;)!

And as for me, i'd like to invite the Sun to dance with me, the kind of dance that's slow, fast, trippy and downright mad - the kind of dance you've got to keep tapping to. The kind of dance i love.