Now that I'm married...

Thought I'd share my little oath taking ceremony with the few who traverse this blog. :) Yup, I'm married now.

Insight

Over the past couple of months or so; I've had the opportunity to discuss several aspects of self-evolution with a good friend.

'Work-in-progress' may sound very intelligent, but to be honest it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

But that's what we are - work.in.progress.

It all began over a buffet lunch; when the jokes made way for serious banter and I found myself wallowing deep in what we call self-induced mull. My friend being a total sport joined in enthusiastically.

So while one group cracked up on the live entertainment and stuff memories are made of. She and I started sharing our personal anecdotes directly inspired from a book we're both reading (A New Earth).

Don't be fooled by it's OTT promise; the text is extremely heavy with what one can only begin to describe as 'prepared and peppered with extreme know-how'. So much so that the premise is simple - either you're ready or you're not. There's no in between.

A key point from our discussion is how every single act or reaction in our lives draws deeply from roots we almost always overlook or take for granted. Some of the stuff we always think we were too young to handle permeate through to adulthood for example.

It was quite a revelation when during a phone call recently the point was further broken down for me; when she asked me a rhetoric. Do you feel as if there are certain people or situations that seem to repeat itself constantly in your life? I had to agree there were. Definitely.

You keep meeting these people in your life; and you think you know them from somewhere or they remind of someone. You wouldn't have met this person your whole life, but the feeling or situations that come attached seem so familiar.

Unresolved in your mind. Unresolved in your present.

I guess letting go is easier said that done. I mean where would one start for example? Where would I even begin to unravel those very thoughts that now confound me when I need to make a choice, decision or even a step.

Most of go through life basing so much on a random event, occurrence or thought. Sometimes it becomes the very foundation of what we build our lives on. How many of us are paralysed by a fear, supposition or opinion or idea.

We're consumed by its familiarity, thrive in its warm softness and then can't seem to dip our toes into anything remotely different.

We blame our random event, we blame it till the cows home. We identify ourselves with it, we live it everyday, we colour our decisions with it. We wallow in it. We draw boundaries with it. for ourselves.

In my own little cosmos, I'd ideally like to stop the repeating waves of debilitating .

Let's just say off late I've been feeling two things; confusion and over a few events; nothing to drastic but nevertheless, enough to keep me 'knit-browed'. The second being disappointment; the realisation of a few universal truths (much like Murphy's law) has not been really kind in it revelation.

So in this particular stew I languish, slurping up every possible wave of gravy that accosts me. Smacking it down wondering anyone will throw me a bread stick so I can get outta here and to something.

Apoall pinne kanaam. Salut.

My.First.Desert.Safari.

Yeah. So...I went on this Safari and it was pretty intense. It's my first ever. Seeing that I've been here for 4 years, it's a shame I didn't do it earlier. But then everything has its time and place, don't it?

It was nice to have shared it with a few good people (I won't say men, because there were a fair share of women in that 4x4! You'll see what I mean.)

Here's a little excerpt from that experience in full Eastman colour. I had a really good time everyone. Thank you! Woohoo!

Random

It's one of those days.

It's bleached almost; dry and very wispy. There's this drone in the background and a general sense of everything being a bit too bright.

I haven't written here or anywhere in awhile. I feel a sense of pent-up loss. Like I missed out on something.

There's a half filled stopped up bottle of water. That's all I drink / eat while I'm work. It's Ramadan; I'm giving lent an early practice. Mini. Shmaalll.

Funny thing is that I'm supposed to be going out to get a drink with people from work tonight. The chances of a 'Seville Row' (only two favs and SA waiter knows about this!) CANNOT happen. Absolutely fudging NOT.

Wow. THAT was some NIGHT. When they're few and far between the memories are seared. Like the grease from a steak on the grill.

Anyway. (Yeah, I'm changing the subject!)

I wonder what it feels like when you take steps that legitimises something that only holds meaning to your life alone. You know when you have to sign, stamp and legally do things to validate what really isn't anyone else's business.

Funny how our race operates. It's a mystery, all these rules with no beginning (or end!).

I'm picking up the rings at the end of the week methinks. Got 'em all shined and polished. Even ordered inscriptions. Pretty chuffed, in a very socially conditioned way.

No really! You should try it. It's fun. Feel a socially conditioned 'once-in-a lifetime' blimp in your emotional space. It's a one time thing (even if its conditioned).

You won't feel it after. It's that rare glimpse of a comet that won't pass you by again. Ever.

Well, in this lifetime anyway.

Anyway.

She says I'm not here. She's good.

Am I that bloody transparent? Do I not know the art of 'masquerade' well? I thought I had it pat. I feel empty.

We are the hollow men. The stuffed men.

That kind of empty. Even though I consciously walk in the moment, I feel as if the knowledge I now have has only further peeled back the veil that hides my emptiness.

WTF??!

I'm not thinking of the future. I ain't thinking of the past. I just experienced a 'now' blimp. So then WTF??!

8 gas tankers.

Seagulls noshing between oil wells.

More drone.

Sand, debris and bricks.

Dusty cars.

Dusty trees.

DRONE.

Golden waves. Black Asphalt.

Glinting mirrors. Worthless tarpaulin.

Empty parking spaces.

Empty.

Meaningless Reams

And it is lost.
My poem.

Somewhere in depths of a cut and paste and short cut.

I tried to retrieve the little piece of inspiration
But it remains lost in the depths of chipwork.

Of wires and boards, with no feeling.
save one. of process.

I will now continue.
To create meaningless reams.
temporarily filling what is a hunger for self-satifying gloat.
to be wisps of smokes months later.
A ball of gas with no meaning.
meaningless reams.

I struggle within to understand a higher purpose.
And in that pain, I realise a truth
no one can understand your pain or suffering
it doesn't matter what you do.
You can shout it from the roof tops
and be swallowed by dust.

It will come to you.
As it did to me.
And then you will know.

Transitioning to DTV

The website heralds the transition as the the most significant advancement of television technology since colour TV was introduced. It isn't the first time this is happening.

Several others have done it before, and with a dignified silence. But then the US isn't one of those countries that take any sort of transition (read change) very lightly. Every thing's historic, requires a coalition monitored website, has it's own nationally held poll and reports; 'carpe diem-ing' every single byte, bit and pixel claiming it's the 'man on the moon'.

Ah, aren't they sweet when they work themselves up to a frenzy?

Okay.

To be fair, it is an occasion. It's time to unwrap your HD ready gadgets, luv.

The buzz, discussions and information on the DTV transition have hotted up over the past few months. Step-by-step guides on how to make the switch, 720, 1080i, 1080p, zig zam zoo, pop goes the weasel and what details to look out for.

Converter boxes for those looking to stick to their analog boxes and cable company subscriptions for those looking to plug into the revolution albeit in lesser resolution.

For those of you who went ahead and bought those 'HDTV ready' windows to the world, what can I say, you're time has finally come? It's the grand ball of smoother and enhanced images.

Oh well, for those of you who'd like to ride the transition train, here are a few links you might find interesting and an easier 'ease' into the heavier stuff out there.

Enjoy:

HDTV 101

The Official DTV Transition Website

TV Predictions

Trends

Futurist - The need for sods to wake the fudge up.

And so in my long drawn silence, I've been reading.

It's been extremely informative and down-right scary. Like for instance how despite strides of development, the very basic concepts of the blind leading the sighted continue.

Like how we still believe in handing over the power to the few who we still aren't completely convinced about. We believe we are convinced, mind you, but we're far from it.

It is in this chaotic and loony present tense that I tripped upon a few academic and online news posts about Futurists. The new radical thinkers who are pan-industry wizards of change.

I envy the blokes (both genders...both genders!)

I mean, here they are, travelling the world making schmucks sit up and listen. Or not.

All I care about is that they get to put 'fuelling change' on their bios.

How much of change am I fuelling? Am I doing anything to help change at all?

I maybe, and I probably don't know it yet, but then again, what exactly am I changing.

My job, in spirit is to alter perceptions and champion causes, efforts and everyday breathing for companies, people or services. Most enlightened souls wouldn't find it very inspirational work.

I have the ability to really downplay what I do. Let's just say with an informed mind there's always the down (read dark) sides to deal with.

But that's a whole different post.

So change...

I read up on a certain Mr. Rohit Talwar, Futurist and CEO of his Fuel for Change company called Future Forward, if I'm correct. There are a couple of versions circulating the Internet. I just went with the one I saw on the most recent interview.

A highly effective speaker and also a respected futurist, links on his work and associations led me to the PATA (Pacific Asia Travel Association) - say what? - CEO Challenge.

So what is the PATA CEO Challenge this year?

It was the first opportunity for the entire travel and tourism industry in Asia Pacific to agree to practical solutions to confront climate change. Tourism

Ah yes, the much debated, advertised, spoken about, championed, lampooned, celebrated theme the past few years.

I'd like to share the Facilitator's Blog by Anna Pollock and Rohit Talwar for you to read.

If none of you ever get to the website or read up on the facts (no surprise or hate coming your way - promise!), here's a section of Anna Pollock's post entitled 'On Seeing Red' you might find interesting:

"...It’s relevant to our Challenge (of saving our planet), not just because the majority of commercial actors and influencers consider climate change a risk and an opportunity but because tourism and aviation are identified as two of six sectors in the red danger zone – not just because the relatively high risk of damage but because the level of preparedness is considered relatively low and negative effects likely underestimated..."

So what are the the other four you ask? Health care, Transport, the Financial sector and Oil & Gas.

You're off-setting your carbon miles are you? Well, blimey, cor and accha to you! Seriously, it isn't enough that we just take up the next highly publicised half-solution and then sleep at night.

There is technology and you can make up the difference on emissions through carbon offsets...BUT...as Rohit Talwar right points out -

"Saying ‘I'm going to emit so much carbon a year and then put money into a project that has a 20 year life cycle', so I'm pumping it out now and not getting it back for 20 years. It's not quite right.

People say that they've got zero emissions because they've offset, they haven't. Typically if somebody offsets over a 10 or 20 year project then they are only really offsetting 10% a year or 5%.

The planet's going to go through a natural cooling cycle over the next 10 years and that will mask some of the impact of climate change. Pressure will come off, because people will see that the temperature is not going up.

Then what will happen is we'll have a big spike at the other end and by then it will be too late, because the damage will have been done so severely over the next 10 years. It's a major challenge."

So, when you click on something, please think before you do and click on something that makes sense to the amount you're ripping from the planet.

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- Full and free public access to PATA CEO Challenge 2008: Confronting Climate Change proceedings is available right here!

- Rohit Talwar's interview on tourism / aviation waking up to the realities of climate change, but is enough being done? can be viewed here - Fast Future Ventures CEO Rohit Talwar about how to achieve sustainability.

Bleep

The device 'Generic Volume' cannot be stopped right now. Try stopping the device later.

Yeah, just you try.

.

Dinner in a Cup - Sup deep.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Will the real jamuns please stand up?

I mean c'mon, after eons of research, cultural overhaul and excessive development (averaging 8 per cent even!) we're still stuck in a limbo where we can't tell our enemies from ourselves.

Springin, rockin, breakin, shakin
We're the foundation of what we're makin
Every single coin, bill or quake
Shimmy and shake...keepin you awake


Breakthrough, chemicals, technical clause
Every contract has a probable cause
Brikbats of the future
Hammin' it with sutures
No matter the wisdom, we always need a tutor.
Mind controller.

Frankenstienic, melodramatic, futuretastic
Dinner in a cup, drink on a plate.
Whichever way you look at it, we're always late.
Switch it around, mash it up
Whichever way you look at it...

The future's f*"£$ed up.

29

Turning a year older is bad enough; but when you have a lot of insight and nothing to show for it...I think you got it.

I've had the good fortune of being able to learn so much from every flop or success (my personal rating) and yet, implementation of this hard earned flashes of wisdom continue to elude me.

OR is that really the case?

I've been bombarded with quite few signs of impending change. Imagine a tube of light with something stuck in the middle of it. The tube's half lit, the blockage isn't allowing the light to travel straight through.

That's pretty much where I am right now.

The blockage is my inability to gain clarity on what I need to do to get out of my current situation. The situation is not a challenge, a problem or a solution. It's a just self inflicted short-sighted wound. I haven't stopped slapping my forehead for awhile.

To be honest, I'm not beating myself up too much; to err is human. And I have learnt from all of my mistakes. So this time around, rushed optimism, (being a realist) is forgiveable don't you think?

Yes it is another excuse. To be forgiven, to be overlooked, to be blatantly unsuccessful in taking that much needed step to become.

Sigh.

F$%^.

...

I have a lot to be thankful for by the way. And so in this post; I'd like to thank the people who make a difference in my life, the one who changed everything for me, and the others who I am yet to meet and quite looking forward to bonding with.

I'd like to thank the conversations I've had with people; their personalities miraculously absent from the inspiring messages that poured forth; like they were possessed by energy - portals for a higher message - meant for my ears alone.

My hair for consistently enduring the horrible water and stress that is now synonymous with this here place I'm in.

My faith. It evolves along with me and beautifully so. Thank you God - for your humour, ability to customise and let's not forget - know-how.

My family for the distant and yet not so distant - love, advice, hope, humour, high fives, jokes and goss. Yes, thank you for the goss. For giving it to me.

For hope. It truly never dies.

Yeah. Peace out.

4 days. One good thing.

Good things come to those who wait.
I waited, cringed, prayed and then gave up.

A good thing came by patted my hand and said, "let's go"
And I did.
I'm not ever letting go.

Here's to a good thing.
Here's to you.

Whacking Insight

So here we are.

It's not much if you give it thought; a job is job and your place in history can either be an inconspicuous cog or a large wheel that everyone tends to look at when marvelling at the mechanism that is life. No one sees the small cog. We all know its there, but we just don't (don't want to) see it.

We all tend to want to be the large wheel. We all do. Being the small wheel is hard enough. But the large wheel looks so bloody massive (hence impressive) that we just can't get past it. We always want more.

There are some, however, who look at themselves more realistically and wisely accept the fact that no matter how hard they (we) try and pouf things up - we're the small cog with a big role and no big benefits.

Crap.

Well, apart from that self-flagellating thought...i now release de ja vu has the ability to impart a certain soothing balm to what can be harrowing realisation of where each of us stand in our cruel measurement for success. That is within the mechanism, within the wonderment that is the wheel in the cage.

I had an attack of de ja vu - during lunch. Yes, today.

It was a strong and definitive beam that cut through the mundane thoughts that were swimming in my head. I didn't need the coffee. That would have been outright trippy. Man....

In my de ja vu, my small cog theory presented itself in a 'i've been here before' picture show that calmed, yet excited me. Because this piece of 'vu' i saw, spins on somewhere into the future and my small cog theory transforms into very BIG.

I am somewhere in the midst of clearing some more clutter from my path and taking another step up into my mind's insight and realising where else i need to cut the fat.
This is good. Very good.

I'm excited. Because with this realisation, also comes the fulfulling thought that there are a few things i do not need to do, prove or excel in. Which brings me that much closer to what i should be doing, proving and exceling in.

Life as it were is presenting a stronger impulse - like a homing device that starts bleeping faintly and then more furiously as you get closer. I'm getting very faint bleeps now. Which is bloody top notch, considering I had zip for the past few years.

Nice.

Meeting with my Ego

The last couple of weeks have been very edgy for me. I guess the changes that are occuring represent a more deeper shift inside. And the battle inside, has taken its toll really.

I have always had the ability to compartmentalise my trauma. When i'm at work, for instance, there is an inherent silence from my dark corners, yet it is alive. It waits for me to finish my regular dose of normalcy before it emerges, frothing at the mouth, eager for a grapple.

I have met my ego.

To tell you the truth, it feels like rape.

A fleeting, momentary bump that left me bruised and violated. Words cannot express how shocked and disappointed I was. For all these years my ego has defined every single step of what I have felt, identified, collated, understood and acheived (one cannot call it achievement anymore).

I look at things, i label them, i process thoughts and make assumptions. Those assumptions in turn lead me to larger classifications and then those very classfications define and place boundaries on every experience, possibility and opportunity that presents itself.

I have just emerged from what could have been a catastrophic mind set. the persons involved would have turned a brilliant sheen of foe and the situation a bitter taste.

What i refused to look beyond was my ego. Such is the largesse of it's vision.

I have due to divine intervention and rock like support been able to look at present situations through a slightly more tolerant lens and i personally can now vouch that something different and possibly exciting could be the result.

Unfortunately, this could mean saying goodbye to a holiday i so looked forward to, strategically avoidng unwarranted prosecution from an egoistic maniac (i feel sorry for you), and letting time deliver bigger and better dividends (the only way is up).

A good friend wrote in this afternoon saying - "Fear is usually the only barrier. And fear is usually the most unnecessary barrier. It takes a little work and focus, but we can all make it if we truly believe we can."

When i met my ego, it projected the exact same thing fear. It brought out all of its worst and manifested it to the best glory level it could. My ego by far has crippled me with people, crippled me in my experiences, and not allowed me to be myself.

I'd like to meet with my true self and set it free. From how I see it, the prison it sits in is my own doing. And my ego stands as a testement to it.

I'd like to shake hands with my ego. But this time i'm saying goodbye.

2008

My annual vacation turned out to be an eye-opener of sorts. I say 'of sorts' because the variety of ways my eyes were opened, pale in comparison to last year. :)

Sad. I know. However, i choose to stick to this ironic poke at humour because i am resolved to look at things differently, with a lighter air. Verily I say unto you - it takes bloody effort.

I had candid conversations with my parents (don't we all), witnessed the tragic downfall of family, saw the union of two new ones, and managed to extricate myself from both tricky situations that only annual reunions can conjure within a span of fifteen minutes.

It is with a heavy yet happy heart that i inform you that close people are now strangers and people from far are now familiar. It this precarious balance that i most enjoy; other examples include the universe.

Candid conversations helped open several cans of worms, which i spliced, forked and cut into tiny little bits. There was a lot of jus. Yes both.

I came away from my experience,thoroughly roughed up, scratched and smarting. However, my eyes were shining from the revelation. I looked like a crazy prophet with news only i could rejoice and sorrow with.

Everyone else looked worried. Including the co-passengers on the flight back home. Business class loyals will be pleased to note i ditched in-flight entertainment and slept. Deep. I did wake up for nosh. Terribly sorry.

My mother refuses to speak to ME. I say this not because she won't speak. She just won't speak to the ME. She refuses to acknowledge that i no longer exist as her child but as a woman who once was her daughter.

Titles remain, persons do not.

I believe i will forever be a little girl to my mother. As my child will always remain mine. Even when s/he goes on to write his/her own destiny. Chemical bonding is complex, and therefore i won't grudge her her indulgence.

My father is still profound. I believe i would have loved him less, if he weren't... That is excessive. I love him without borders. But. I do love that he is profound.

And in his profoundness, he accepted the news from my life, he solemnly listened and nodded into emptiness, contemplating everything i said. To be fair, all of my propositions were tinged with emotion.

And his profoundness tinged with trepidation. Believe me - being a profound, thinking mallu (malayalee to the unitiated) man is a challenge. My father, isn't one to back down...but he isn't one to NOT acknowledge that trouble is afoot either.

With this knowledge, he proceeded to explain his take on the matter, and we both decided that it would be best to proceed without indulging into a search for a happy round of applause but stopping to take pride that an independent decision had been taken.

The agenda of course thereafter was to swiftly move on. And get with it. Any sort of selling oneself short hereafter would not be tolerated or forgiven.

At this point you may ask me what exactly the announcement was. Well, it is a pastiche of both serious and frivolous. One was that i was now to foray into the world that i have begun to operate in independently and choose my own partner and the other was that i am quite close to closing the deal.

It was not met with enthusiastic response from my mother. Everyone who knows my good mother can only paint a partial (but colourful) juxtapose of her constitution, should news of such outright callousness be shared.

Such is the magnitude of the one and only Emily Sarah Abraham. Grand innit?

Oh she's grand - she defines the word and more. To the point where i am silently in awe. And yet i cringe, for i can never ever find my self asipring to be what she is.

I have far grander aspirations...it's the genes...what can i say?

Coming back to the matter at hand. I have finally managed to communicate a semblance of my plans. I have also, in my own way of trickling information, let others know.

But i have not really taken it upon myself to announce anything. You may ask why.

The pure reason that drives that decision is a simple belief that i am presently in the throes of what one can call...hmmm...self reflection. I believe my proposed significant other is also in this present point. And we both in our reverie(s) are allowing our close circles to stew uncomfortably in the very same situation.

It isn't simple. The statement of it, may very well be. But in no way, is this current situation any less baffling than the eternal mystery that is choice. Each turn presents itself with a cause and effect.

Eliot (TS) got right. It is a cocktail party.

We are not at a fork. We are at a gyre. Shite.

It is the contemplation of the endless spiralling that we are presently stopped at. The journey, no doubt, will have to continue.

I wait with bated breath and a feeling of unbelievable high - i tend to be crazily happy before such a situation that is few and far in between. And therefore the relish.

You do agree?

I close with a promise of more. Until then...I wish you a good 2008.