The last couple of weeks have been very edgy for me. I guess the changes that are occuring represent a more deeper shift inside. And the battle inside, has taken its toll really.
I have always had the ability to compartmentalise my trauma. When i'm at work, for instance, there is an inherent silence from my dark corners, yet it is alive. It waits for me to finish my regular dose of normalcy before it emerges, frothing at the mouth, eager for a grapple.
I have met my ego.
To tell you the truth, it feels like rape.
A fleeting, momentary bump that left me bruised and violated. Words cannot express how shocked and disappointed I was. For all these years my ego has defined every single step of what I have felt, identified, collated, understood and acheived (one cannot call it achievement anymore).
I look at things, i label them, i process thoughts and make assumptions. Those assumptions in turn lead me to larger classifications and then those very classfications define and place boundaries on every experience, possibility and opportunity that presents itself.
I have just emerged from what could have been a catastrophic mind set. the persons involved would have turned a brilliant sheen of foe and the situation a bitter taste.
What i refused to look beyond was my ego. Such is the largesse of it's vision.
I have due to divine intervention and rock like support been able to look at present situations through a slightly more tolerant lens and i personally can now vouch that something different and possibly exciting could be the result.
Unfortunately, this could mean saying goodbye to a holiday i so looked forward to, strategically avoidng unwarranted prosecution from an egoistic maniac (i feel sorry for you), and letting time deliver bigger and better dividends (the only way is up).
A good friend wrote in this afternoon saying - "Fear is usually the only barrier. And fear is usually the most unnecessary barrier. It takes a little work and focus, but we can all make it if we truly believe we can."
When i met my ego, it projected the exact same thing fear. It brought out all of its worst and manifested it to the best glory level it could. My ego by far has crippled me with people, crippled me in my experiences, and not allowed me to be myself.
I'd like to meet with my true self and set it free. From how I see it, the prison it sits in is my own doing. And my ego stands as a testement to it.
I'd like to shake hands with my ego. But this time i'm saying goodbye.