The Morning After...

I'm pissed.

It isn't something i'm surprised with really - i end up feeling sorry for myself when i'm pissed and no matter how heavy the hints are - no one bites.

I didn't fight or anything i was just looking for someone to express what i was feeling - i just realized that the people i know, aren't the kind that listen - to me that is. I don't get empathy. Really! i don't. Most of the time i end up listening - i end up understanding the person's problems and i end up just listening and making the person feel - yeah - here's my punching bag. I'd completely agree with you if you asked me, "then why the hell don't you stop listening?" the truth in that question could send me reeling. But the truth from my end is - i can't stop listening. You wanna know why? It's because i constantly put myself in other people's shoes. I feel what they feel and i know that if they don't get someone to talk to - they just might burst. And so...i listen.

It could be about the football game, why he chose the red shoes over the brown, or something way more serious like how they're tired of the people they love, or why she's cheating on him - or you know one of those things. i listen, i don't judge and frankly i think that's a big step for me. I come from a family of sociopaths - where everything is scrutinised and everything is mentally judged and very difficult verdicts are passed. It's funny - i didn't pick up the habit. I'm happy - the smallest of things make the biggest of differences.

I'd love for someone to listen to me - i have so much speil boiling inside - it would take a strong pair of ears to listen. I wouldn't want them to talk to me - just listen. And if i fell really quiet i'd love for them to prod me with a word or two - and i'd continue - i'd rave, rant, wonder, laugh, reminisce and so on. It would be so great.

The funny thing is - i kinda know i'll never find anyone who'd really like to listen to me. The one's who'd like to; have their hands full already. i fantasise about meeting that one person who'd sit across from me and say - 'talk and i'll listen'. And the morning after - i'd cry - a grateful sob - where i'd be liberated from everything i've felt inside but could never communicate.

Just writing about it - makes me feel so charged. you can only imagine how it would be feel if it really happened.