And so it begins
This new beginning
A life once thought was not worth living
A chance to recreate a start
A chance to actually play a part

In something better and beautiful.

I believed that every end meant sorrow
I chanced upon more stones to follow
Until once day I looked above
And saw an awakening of

A different perspective.

If I don't belong here
Then its somewhere else
A place that believes in bettering oneself
A purpose filled project or life
Emerges from every single strife

Climb up from bottom of the pit to the top of the heap.

Up. Up. And away.

I ask you...

Would it really upset your apple cart to come to terms with my life and choices?

How would it feel to just be able to breathe without having an aneurysm? Why is it that every step I take or make interferes with your better judgement and enjoyment of the world?

Is it not enough that you had your chance to live? Must you then force your burdened ideology on others, especially me?

Why are you in so much pain; self-inflicted, hurtful and damaging. Will you never be happy?

Why do you blame your inability to move to the next phase of your life on everyone else but yourself? Does your serious infection of superiority complex have to be spread? Can you not go that particular 'it' alone?

Your every moan and whine spirals and sucks everyone around you into a vortex of irritation and anger. A frustrated state where we can't seem to believe we deserve to be ourselves. My rib cage hurts from just thinking about the impossible ways you inflict this disgusting wave of self-involvement.

I screamed into the screen yesterday; just trying to blot out the noise. Words without feeling, without sense, without purpose. ARGH!

Is there no space where we can meet? Is there no solution to this desolate situation? Will you not make peace with your suffering? Was there suffering in the first place?

Why does your dissatisfied sigh settle amongst our bones? Are your own bones weary and infused to the brim?

For every gift and privilege your claimed as your right; for every second of someone else's time you stake your claim to; for every intake of someone's breath you suck; for all those times you could have been happy.

I now say verily unto you that you have had your fill. And that my life is mine to recreate and gift to an unknown generation, to a promised land, to myself in healing.

Make peace with yourself. And us. It is a command. Not a request.

- "Ever had that feeling?"

+ "What feeling?"

- "You know...the moment you own up and admit, you don't know where your headed"

+ "Everyone goes through that at some point, don't they? Tell me something new"

- "Something new...what's new is that one's willing to admit the feeling in all its
honesty and that its not a thought that comes at some point and leaves. It
arrives."

+ "And then what?"

- "Then...you either change the situation. Or you keep going in the same direction."

+ "I figured that much.."

- "..Here's what's new though...not everyone listens to the feeling."

+ "Is there anything else?"

- "Yeah."

+ "What?"

- "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

+ "Tell me something new"

- "Not biting?"

+ "Nope"

- "Okay then."

I hate the way I feel right now; like there's no hope.

The last time I felt this way, I stayed at home with copious notes and a book and didn't interact with fellow humans for two weeks. I think solitude to me is both a craving and a curse.

I work so hard at being social. So hard. And then it (the way I'm feeling now) hits me and all the slaving I've done goes to waste. Well, not entirely. In my defence, my slaving has seen the fruits of labour.

Those of you who know what I'm talking about; I'd like to thank you for sticking it out and letting me back in without so much as a question. Just a big welcome back sign. It means the world. Honest.

Last year, I had the opportunity to stay with my in-laws. We had several conversations, but the one that stands out most to me is the time when my mother-in-law and I discussed people's quirks. I am quirky. Period. I have enough quirks to go around.

She (my mother-in-law) teaches autistic children; she's in the business of understanding them and their disability and channelling positivity and expression through it. It's tough job, but she loves it and she's never been as passionate about anything as she is now. It's amazing how she channels such optimism in the face of such emotional challenges that these children experience everyday.

So when she said, "you know, in a way I think we all are autistic to some degree,"; I had to agree with her. Because it's true.

Autism is defined as:

1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.

2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.

Isn't that classically how we are too at times? The difference is that we have better control (and sometimes none, albeit socially tolerated) over these tendencies.

I wouldn't be lying if I said that I have felt autistic on several occasions. Misunderstood, hurt and completely incapable of reaching out to the other side. And yet comfortable with that solitude. Just at peace knowing that I don't have to talk or furnish explanations. When alone. That is.

Not everyone wants to listen to your problems. Not everyone needs to.

So why do I feel this way today? Reasons - aplenty. All reasonable to me. Which is why it's so hard to share, to explain.

I just feel this way; and that's the way it is. I'm going ride out this one. I hope I'll see you on the other side.

Dislike.

It's not nice when you know someone doesn't like you. I'm sure we have our fair share of detractors. Silent loathers, who can't find a logical reason or good explanation to express why they can't seem to reach across that barrier and give it to you straight.

When it comes to our own person, we believe that in many ways there's not much that people cannot like about us. I guess it all boils down to chemistry, outlook and form. Some things just don't mix. Well.

I must admit that I too have my inexplicable repellers on when I meet some people. In my defense I can say that the people I have found hard to like or get along with are few and far between.

Maybe some can easily blame it on my upbringing. We're taught to stomach and swallow several bitter pills in life and ensure we have the most convincing smile in place when asked for a reaction.

But then we all have our limits. And growing up affords us a certain freedom of expression that our childhood doesn't.

This NY, that's my compelling thought. Dislike. And while most of us would think it slightly sour to start something promising off with. I look at it as a perspective that could help us all shape our approach to everything differently.

Dislike.

Think about it.

Several communities and countries lost so many of their own to dislike. Dislike is a misunderstanding. So many of us forge distances between us and many others due to dislike. Dislike impedes so many experiences that could change us. Dialogues that could probably help us see another side to things. For better or worse. Again that's another perspective. Another to be discussed. For another time.

I dislike many things you know. The list isn't long and endless. It's a few things. But their ambit can cover several permutations and combinations. Convenient eh? Heh.

If there was a resolution for me this 2009, it would be to get that list out and do some spring cleaning.

The more I dislike, the smaller my yard gets. And I don't like small yards.

Happy New Year.