I hate the way I feel right now; like there's no hope.
The last time I felt this way, I stayed at home with copious notes and a book and didn't interact with fellow humans for two weeks. I think solitude to me is both a craving and a curse.
I work so hard at being social. So hard. And then it (the way I'm feeling now) hits me and all the slaving I've done goes to waste. Well, not entirely. In my defence, my slaving has seen the fruits of labour.
Those of you who know what I'm talking about; I'd like to thank you for sticking it out and letting me back in without so much as a question. Just a big welcome back sign. It means the world. Honest.
Last year, I had the opportunity to stay with my in-laws. We had several conversations, but the one that stands out most to me is the time when my mother-in-law and I discussed people's quirks. I am quirky. Period. I have enough quirks to go around.
She (my mother-in-law) teaches autistic children; she's in the business of understanding them and their disability and channelling positivity and expression through it. It's tough job, but she loves it and she's never been as passionate about anything as she is now. It's amazing how she channels such optimism in the face of such emotional challenges that these children experience everyday.
So when she said, "you know, in a way I think we all are autistic to some degree,"; I had to agree with her. Because it's true.
Autism is defined as:
1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.
Isn't that classically how we are too at times? The difference is that we have better control (and sometimes none, albeit socially tolerated) over these tendencies.
I wouldn't be lying if I said that I have felt autistic on several occasions. Misunderstood, hurt and completely incapable of reaching out to the other side. And yet comfortable with that solitude. Just at peace knowing that I don't have to talk or furnish explanations. When alone. That is.
Not everyone wants to listen to your problems. Not everyone needs to.
So why do I feel this way today? Reasons - aplenty. All reasonable to me. Which is why it's so hard to share, to explain.
I just feel this way; and that's the way it is. I'm going ride out this one. I hope I'll see you on the other side.