Sure I have. Many times. I don't dwell on it long, and I don't plan out the details. But I have thought of it.
I then realised life as it were, on earth, others, the universe will still carry on like nothing happened. My disappearance would mean a loss for some - for awhile - a lesson or tortured memory they would carry in their souls and then life would go on.
Just like that.
In a way, I am both integral and secondary to the larger scheme of things. A hurtful yin yang.
At dinner last night, my conversation with Adhitya was quite interesting, for the first time (the very first), I found myself listening to what was being said, rather than drafting a response in real-time.
I'm always drafting a response in real-time; a ready answer for every clever, stupid, wasteful, intelligent, boring, dumb, insightful...
What he said suddenly revealed another side to myself that I had not really looked at before. I was allowing myself to be a victim to the circumstances around me. And I gloriously wallowed in it.
For every joyous possibility, I drugged on the morose opposite, simply because it so much easier to get attention that way. It is. Look around us, and you'll see people finding it a much easier game to be in problems, irritation, nit-picky situations. In the grander scheme of things none of what we do in these situations will even matter. None of it. But yet, we thirst like leeches for an endless supply for the complicated.
Some of us come hard-wired with it. Maybe my grander purpose is to show what a colossal waste of time being that way can be.
My gene pool is teeming with dramatic. We're dramatic about going to a movie as much as we can be dramatic about death in the family. Would it be funny if I said that is a constant I grew up on? I don't blame anyone from the gyre, it's just that - that was we knew.
When I broke that cycle and went to the quiet for awhile, I was unable to comprehend people's nonchalance to everyday life. In fact, I hated it. So much, that I tried to create a huge din, so that I could feel at home. Safe to say, not many people joined the train.
But the few who did, liked it for awhile and then left.
I believe this was the pattern I refused to see.
I guess life doesn't hand you a platter with the coordinates to where you're heading. I also learned (the painful way) that 'din' does not help you get anything.
So am I settling then? Din-makers, am I?
I don't know really, I think I'm stepping into the unknown, where din is not allowed. A new set of rules apply, or maybe there are no rules, just no noise. No more drama.