4 days. One good thing.

Good things come to those who wait.
I waited, cringed, prayed and then gave up.

A good thing came by patted my hand and said, "let's go"
And I did.
I'm not ever letting go.

Here's to a good thing.
Here's to you.

Whacking Insight

So here we are.

It's not much if you give it thought; a job is job and your place in history can either be an inconspicuous cog or a large wheel that everyone tends to look at when marvelling at the mechanism that is life. No one sees the small cog. We all know its there, but we just don't (don't want to) see it.

We all tend to want to be the large wheel. We all do. Being the small wheel is hard enough. But the large wheel looks so bloody massive (hence impressive) that we just can't get past it. We always want more.

There are some, however, who look at themselves more realistically and wisely accept the fact that no matter how hard they (we) try and pouf things up - we're the small cog with a big role and no big benefits.

Crap.

Well, apart from that self-flagellating thought...i now release de ja vu has the ability to impart a certain soothing balm to what can be harrowing realisation of where each of us stand in our cruel measurement for success. That is within the mechanism, within the wonderment that is the wheel in the cage.

I had an attack of de ja vu - during lunch. Yes, today.

It was a strong and definitive beam that cut through the mundane thoughts that were swimming in my head. I didn't need the coffee. That would have been outright trippy. Man....

In my de ja vu, my small cog theory presented itself in a 'i've been here before' picture show that calmed, yet excited me. Because this piece of 'vu' i saw, spins on somewhere into the future and my small cog theory transforms into very BIG.

I am somewhere in the midst of clearing some more clutter from my path and taking another step up into my mind's insight and realising where else i need to cut the fat.
This is good. Very good.

I'm excited. Because with this realisation, also comes the fulfulling thought that there are a few things i do not need to do, prove or excel in. Which brings me that much closer to what i should be doing, proving and exceling in.

Life as it were is presenting a stronger impulse - like a homing device that starts bleeping faintly and then more furiously as you get closer. I'm getting very faint bleeps now. Which is bloody top notch, considering I had zip for the past few years.

Nice.

Meeting with my Ego

The last couple of weeks have been very edgy for me. I guess the changes that are occuring represent a more deeper shift inside. And the battle inside, has taken its toll really.

I have always had the ability to compartmentalise my trauma. When i'm at work, for instance, there is an inherent silence from my dark corners, yet it is alive. It waits for me to finish my regular dose of normalcy before it emerges, frothing at the mouth, eager for a grapple.

I have met my ego.

To tell you the truth, it feels like rape.

A fleeting, momentary bump that left me bruised and violated. Words cannot express how shocked and disappointed I was. For all these years my ego has defined every single step of what I have felt, identified, collated, understood and acheived (one cannot call it achievement anymore).

I look at things, i label them, i process thoughts and make assumptions. Those assumptions in turn lead me to larger classifications and then those very classfications define and place boundaries on every experience, possibility and opportunity that presents itself.

I have just emerged from what could have been a catastrophic mind set. the persons involved would have turned a brilliant sheen of foe and the situation a bitter taste.

What i refused to look beyond was my ego. Such is the largesse of it's vision.

I have due to divine intervention and rock like support been able to look at present situations through a slightly more tolerant lens and i personally can now vouch that something different and possibly exciting could be the result.

Unfortunately, this could mean saying goodbye to a holiday i so looked forward to, strategically avoidng unwarranted prosecution from an egoistic maniac (i feel sorry for you), and letting time deliver bigger and better dividends (the only way is up).

A good friend wrote in this afternoon saying - "Fear is usually the only barrier. And fear is usually the most unnecessary barrier. It takes a little work and focus, but we can all make it if we truly believe we can."

When i met my ego, it projected the exact same thing fear. It brought out all of its worst and manifested it to the best glory level it could. My ego by far has crippled me with people, crippled me in my experiences, and not allowed me to be myself.

I'd like to meet with my true self and set it free. From how I see it, the prison it sits in is my own doing. And my ego stands as a testement to it.

I'd like to shake hands with my ego. But this time i'm saying goodbye.