Now that I'm married...

Thought I'd share my little oath taking ceremony with the few who traverse this blog. :) Yup, I'm married now.

Insight

Over the past couple of months or so; I've had the opportunity to discuss several aspects of self-evolution with a good friend.

'Work-in-progress' may sound very intelligent, but to be honest it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

But that's what we are - work.in.progress.

It all began over a buffet lunch; when the jokes made way for serious banter and I found myself wallowing deep in what we call self-induced mull. My friend being a total sport joined in enthusiastically.

So while one group cracked up on the live entertainment and stuff memories are made of. She and I started sharing our personal anecdotes directly inspired from a book we're both reading (A New Earth).

Don't be fooled by it's OTT promise; the text is extremely heavy with what one can only begin to describe as 'prepared and peppered with extreme know-how'. So much so that the premise is simple - either you're ready or you're not. There's no in between.

A key point from our discussion is how every single act or reaction in our lives draws deeply from roots we almost always overlook or take for granted. Some of the stuff we always think we were too young to handle permeate through to adulthood for example.

It was quite a revelation when during a phone call recently the point was further broken down for me; when she asked me a rhetoric. Do you feel as if there are certain people or situations that seem to repeat itself constantly in your life? I had to agree there were. Definitely.

You keep meeting these people in your life; and you think you know them from somewhere or they remind of someone. You wouldn't have met this person your whole life, but the feeling or situations that come attached seem so familiar.

Unresolved in your mind. Unresolved in your present.

I guess letting go is easier said that done. I mean where would one start for example? Where would I even begin to unravel those very thoughts that now confound me when I need to make a choice, decision or even a step.

Most of go through life basing so much on a random event, occurrence or thought. Sometimes it becomes the very foundation of what we build our lives on. How many of us are paralysed by a fear, supposition or opinion or idea.

We're consumed by its familiarity, thrive in its warm softness and then can't seem to dip our toes into anything remotely different.

We blame our random event, we blame it till the cows home. We identify ourselves with it, we live it everyday, we colour our decisions with it. We wallow in it. We draw boundaries with it. for ourselves.

In my own little cosmos, I'd ideally like to stop the repeating waves of debilitating .

Let's just say off late I've been feeling two things; confusion and over a few events; nothing to drastic but nevertheless, enough to keep me 'knit-browed'. The second being disappointment; the realisation of a few universal truths (much like Murphy's law) has not been really kind in it revelation.

So in this particular stew I languish, slurping up every possible wave of gravy that accosts me. Smacking it down wondering anyone will throw me a bread stick so I can get outta here and to something.

Apoall pinne kanaam. Salut.

My.First.Desert.Safari.

Yeah. So...I went on this Safari and it was pretty intense. It's my first ever. Seeing that I've been here for 4 years, it's a shame I didn't do it earlier. But then everything has its time and place, don't it?

It was nice to have shared it with a few good people (I won't say men, because there were a fair share of women in that 4x4! You'll see what I mean.)

Here's a little excerpt from that experience in full Eastman colour. I had a really good time everyone. Thank you! Woohoo!

Random

It's one of those days.

It's bleached almost; dry and very wispy. There's this drone in the background and a general sense of everything being a bit too bright.

I haven't written here or anywhere in awhile. I feel a sense of pent-up loss. Like I missed out on something.

There's a half filled stopped up bottle of water. That's all I drink / eat while I'm work. It's Ramadan; I'm giving lent an early practice. Mini. Shmaalll.

Funny thing is that I'm supposed to be going out to get a drink with people from work tonight. The chances of a 'Seville Row' (only two favs and SA waiter knows about this!) CANNOT happen. Absolutely fudging NOT.

Wow. THAT was some NIGHT. When they're few and far between the memories are seared. Like the grease from a steak on the grill.

Anyway. (Yeah, I'm changing the subject!)

I wonder what it feels like when you take steps that legitimises something that only holds meaning to your life alone. You know when you have to sign, stamp and legally do things to validate what really isn't anyone else's business.

Funny how our race operates. It's a mystery, all these rules with no beginning (or end!).

I'm picking up the rings at the end of the week methinks. Got 'em all shined and polished. Even ordered inscriptions. Pretty chuffed, in a very socially conditioned way.

No really! You should try it. It's fun. Feel a socially conditioned 'once-in-a lifetime' blimp in your emotional space. It's a one time thing (even if its conditioned).

You won't feel it after. It's that rare glimpse of a comet that won't pass you by again. Ever.

Well, in this lifetime anyway.

Anyway.

She says I'm not here. She's good.

Am I that bloody transparent? Do I not know the art of 'masquerade' well? I thought I had it pat. I feel empty.

We are the hollow men. The stuffed men.

That kind of empty. Even though I consciously walk in the moment, I feel as if the knowledge I now have has only further peeled back the veil that hides my emptiness.

WTF??!

I'm not thinking of the future. I ain't thinking of the past. I just experienced a 'now' blimp. So then WTF??!

8 gas tankers.

Seagulls noshing between oil wells.

More drone.

Sand, debris and bricks.

Dusty cars.

Dusty trees.

DRONE.

Golden waves. Black Asphalt.

Glinting mirrors. Worthless tarpaulin.

Empty parking spaces.

Empty.

Meaningless Reams

And it is lost.
My poem.

Somewhere in depths of a cut and paste and short cut.

I tried to retrieve the little piece of inspiration
But it remains lost in the depths of chipwork.

Of wires and boards, with no feeling.
save one. of process.

I will now continue.
To create meaningless reams.
temporarily filling what is a hunger for self-satifying gloat.
to be wisps of smokes months later.
A ball of gas with no meaning.
meaningless reams.

I struggle within to understand a higher purpose.
And in that pain, I realise a truth
no one can understand your pain or suffering
it doesn't matter what you do.
You can shout it from the roof tops
and be swallowed by dust.

It will come to you.
As it did to me.
And then you will know.