4 days. One good thing.

Good things come to those who wait.
I waited, cringed, prayed and then gave up.

A good thing came by patted my hand and said, "let's go"
And I did.
I'm not ever letting go.

Here's to a good thing.
Here's to you.

Whacking Insight

So here we are.

It's not much if you give it thought; a job is job and your place in history can either be an inconspicuous cog or a large wheel that everyone tends to look at when marvelling at the mechanism that is life. No one sees the small cog. We all know its there, but we just don't (don't want to) see it.

We all tend to want to be the large wheel. We all do. Being the small wheel is hard enough. But the large wheel looks so bloody massive (hence impressive) that we just can't get past it. We always want more.

There are some, however, who look at themselves more realistically and wisely accept the fact that no matter how hard they (we) try and pouf things up - we're the small cog with a big role and no big benefits.

Crap.

Well, apart from that self-flagellating thought...i now release de ja vu has the ability to impart a certain soothing balm to what can be harrowing realisation of where each of us stand in our cruel measurement for success. That is within the mechanism, within the wonderment that is the wheel in the cage.

I had an attack of de ja vu - during lunch. Yes, today.

It was a strong and definitive beam that cut through the mundane thoughts that were swimming in my head. I didn't need the coffee. That would have been outright trippy. Man....

In my de ja vu, my small cog theory presented itself in a 'i've been here before' picture show that calmed, yet excited me. Because this piece of 'vu' i saw, spins on somewhere into the future and my small cog theory transforms into very BIG.

I am somewhere in the midst of clearing some more clutter from my path and taking another step up into my mind's insight and realising where else i need to cut the fat.
This is good. Very good.

I'm excited. Because with this realisation, also comes the fulfulling thought that there are a few things i do not need to do, prove or excel in. Which brings me that much closer to what i should be doing, proving and exceling in.

Life as it were is presenting a stronger impulse - like a homing device that starts bleeping faintly and then more furiously as you get closer. I'm getting very faint bleeps now. Which is bloody top notch, considering I had zip for the past few years.

Nice.

Meeting with my Ego

The last couple of weeks have been very edgy for me. I guess the changes that are occuring represent a more deeper shift inside. And the battle inside, has taken its toll really.

I have always had the ability to compartmentalise my trauma. When i'm at work, for instance, there is an inherent silence from my dark corners, yet it is alive. It waits for me to finish my regular dose of normalcy before it emerges, frothing at the mouth, eager for a grapple.

I have met my ego.

To tell you the truth, it feels like rape.

A fleeting, momentary bump that left me bruised and violated. Words cannot express how shocked and disappointed I was. For all these years my ego has defined every single step of what I have felt, identified, collated, understood and acheived (one cannot call it achievement anymore).

I look at things, i label them, i process thoughts and make assumptions. Those assumptions in turn lead me to larger classifications and then those very classfications define and place boundaries on every experience, possibility and opportunity that presents itself.

I have just emerged from what could have been a catastrophic mind set. the persons involved would have turned a brilliant sheen of foe and the situation a bitter taste.

What i refused to look beyond was my ego. Such is the largesse of it's vision.

I have due to divine intervention and rock like support been able to look at present situations through a slightly more tolerant lens and i personally can now vouch that something different and possibly exciting could be the result.

Unfortunately, this could mean saying goodbye to a holiday i so looked forward to, strategically avoidng unwarranted prosecution from an egoistic maniac (i feel sorry for you), and letting time deliver bigger and better dividends (the only way is up).

A good friend wrote in this afternoon saying - "Fear is usually the only barrier. And fear is usually the most unnecessary barrier. It takes a little work and focus, but we can all make it if we truly believe we can."

When i met my ego, it projected the exact same thing fear. It brought out all of its worst and manifested it to the best glory level it could. My ego by far has crippled me with people, crippled me in my experiences, and not allowed me to be myself.

I'd like to meet with my true self and set it free. From how I see it, the prison it sits in is my own doing. And my ego stands as a testement to it.

I'd like to shake hands with my ego. But this time i'm saying goodbye.

2008

My annual vacation turned out to be an eye-opener of sorts. I say 'of sorts' because the variety of ways my eyes were opened, pale in comparison to last year. :)

Sad. I know. However, i choose to stick to this ironic poke at humour because i am resolved to look at things differently, with a lighter air. Verily I say unto you - it takes bloody effort.

I had candid conversations with my parents (don't we all), witnessed the tragic downfall of family, saw the union of two new ones, and managed to extricate myself from both tricky situations that only annual reunions can conjure within a span of fifteen minutes.

It is with a heavy yet happy heart that i inform you that close people are now strangers and people from far are now familiar. It this precarious balance that i most enjoy; other examples include the universe.

Candid conversations helped open several cans of worms, which i spliced, forked and cut into tiny little bits. There was a lot of jus. Yes both.

I came away from my experience,thoroughly roughed up, scratched and smarting. However, my eyes were shining from the revelation. I looked like a crazy prophet with news only i could rejoice and sorrow with.

Everyone else looked worried. Including the co-passengers on the flight back home. Business class loyals will be pleased to note i ditched in-flight entertainment and slept. Deep. I did wake up for nosh. Terribly sorry.

My mother refuses to speak to ME. I say this not because she won't speak. She just won't speak to the ME. She refuses to acknowledge that i no longer exist as her child but as a woman who once was her daughter.

Titles remain, persons do not.

I believe i will forever be a little girl to my mother. As my child will always remain mine. Even when s/he goes on to write his/her own destiny. Chemical bonding is complex, and therefore i won't grudge her her indulgence.

My father is still profound. I believe i would have loved him less, if he weren't... That is excessive. I love him without borders. But. I do love that he is profound.

And in his profoundness, he accepted the news from my life, he solemnly listened and nodded into emptiness, contemplating everything i said. To be fair, all of my propositions were tinged with emotion.

And his profoundness tinged with trepidation. Believe me - being a profound, thinking mallu (malayalee to the unitiated) man is a challenge. My father, isn't one to back down...but he isn't one to NOT acknowledge that trouble is afoot either.

With this knowledge, he proceeded to explain his take on the matter, and we both decided that it would be best to proceed without indulging into a search for a happy round of applause but stopping to take pride that an independent decision had been taken.

The agenda of course thereafter was to swiftly move on. And get with it. Any sort of selling oneself short hereafter would not be tolerated or forgiven.

At this point you may ask me what exactly the announcement was. Well, it is a pastiche of both serious and frivolous. One was that i was now to foray into the world that i have begun to operate in independently and choose my own partner and the other was that i am quite close to closing the deal.

It was not met with enthusiastic response from my mother. Everyone who knows my good mother can only paint a partial (but colourful) juxtapose of her constitution, should news of such outright callousness be shared.

Such is the magnitude of the one and only Emily Sarah Abraham. Grand innit?

Oh she's grand - she defines the word and more. To the point where i am silently in awe. And yet i cringe, for i can never ever find my self asipring to be what she is.

I have far grander aspirations...it's the genes...what can i say?

Coming back to the matter at hand. I have finally managed to communicate a semblance of my plans. I have also, in my own way of trickling information, let others know.

But i have not really taken it upon myself to announce anything. You may ask why.

The pure reason that drives that decision is a simple belief that i am presently in the throes of what one can call...hmmm...self reflection. I believe my proposed significant other is also in this present point. And we both in our reverie(s) are allowing our close circles to stew uncomfortably in the very same situation.

It isn't simple. The statement of it, may very well be. But in no way, is this current situation any less baffling than the eternal mystery that is choice. Each turn presents itself with a cause and effect.

Eliot (TS) got right. It is a cocktail party.

We are not at a fork. We are at a gyre. Shite.

It is the contemplation of the endless spiralling that we are presently stopped at. The journey, no doubt, will have to continue.

I wait with bated breath and a feeling of unbelievable high - i tend to be crazily happy before such a situation that is few and far in between. And therefore the relish.

You do agree?

I close with a promise of more. Until then...I wish you a good 2008.

Serious topics...hmmm....

I got this message from a good person on Orkut, she said i should probably start blogging on things that matter apart from the things that take place in my life.

Well, i haven't really come across things that really matter here. Unfortunately for me, my life is pretty much about myself and the few people i know.

It shouldn't be that way, i should have something more to offer, to be honest, the person said good things about how say things in print. And this is a heartfelt thank you.

I'm going to have to get off my butt and go search for this meaningful topic, topics, yeah...topics.

For starters, and i know this is personal - i'm now on FB and i do believe it has its fair share of similarities to the million other social networking sites, but then popular vote has most of my friends and acquaintances on it too, so then FB is where everyone is for now.

It can be a tiring past time, but on a given day when you have nothing much to do but lounge, then it can be good past time.

This pretty much sums up how completely wasted i have been over the past few days.

But i did have a kicking time at Ron and Mel's last evening, stayed up till 2:00 a.m. discussing two people who could be 'Heroes' - :) hahahhahaa!

Nuff said...