I hate the way I feel right now; like there's no hope.

The last time I felt this way, I stayed at home with copious notes and a book and didn't interact with fellow humans for two weeks. I think solitude to me is both a craving and a curse.

I work so hard at being social. So hard. And then it (the way I'm feeling now) hits me and all the slaving I've done goes to waste. Well, not entirely. In my defence, my slaving has seen the fruits of labour.

Those of you who know what I'm talking about; I'd like to thank you for sticking it out and letting me back in without so much as a question. Just a big welcome back sign. It means the world. Honest.

Last year, I had the opportunity to stay with my in-laws. We had several conversations, but the one that stands out most to me is the time when my mother-in-law and I discussed people's quirks. I am quirky. Period. I have enough quirks to go around.

She (my mother-in-law) teaches autistic children; she's in the business of understanding them and their disability and channelling positivity and expression through it. It's tough job, but she loves it and she's never been as passionate about anything as she is now. It's amazing how she channels such optimism in the face of such emotional challenges that these children experience everyday.

So when she said, "you know, in a way I think we all are autistic to some degree,"; I had to agree with her. Because it's true.

Autism is defined as:

1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.

2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.

Isn't that classically how we are too at times? The difference is that we have better control (and sometimes none, albeit socially tolerated) over these tendencies.

I wouldn't be lying if I said that I have felt autistic on several occasions. Misunderstood, hurt and completely incapable of reaching out to the other side. And yet comfortable with that solitude. Just at peace knowing that I don't have to talk or furnish explanations. When alone. That is.

Not everyone wants to listen to your problems. Not everyone needs to.

So why do I feel this way today? Reasons - aplenty. All reasonable to me. Which is why it's so hard to share, to explain.

I just feel this way; and that's the way it is. I'm going ride out this one. I hope I'll see you on the other side.

Dislike.

It's not nice when you know someone doesn't like you. I'm sure we have our fair share of detractors. Silent loathers, who can't find a logical reason or good explanation to express why they can't seem to reach across that barrier and give it to you straight.

When it comes to our own person, we believe that in many ways there's not much that people cannot like about us. I guess it all boils down to chemistry, outlook and form. Some things just don't mix. Well.

I must admit that I too have my inexplicable repellers on when I meet some people. In my defense I can say that the people I have found hard to like or get along with are few and far between.

Maybe some can easily blame it on my upbringing. We're taught to stomach and swallow several bitter pills in life and ensure we have the most convincing smile in place when asked for a reaction.

But then we all have our limits. And growing up affords us a certain freedom of expression that our childhood doesn't.

This NY, that's my compelling thought. Dislike. And while most of us would think it slightly sour to start something promising off with. I look at it as a perspective that could help us all shape our approach to everything differently.

Dislike.

Think about it.

Several communities and countries lost so many of their own to dislike. Dislike is a misunderstanding. So many of us forge distances between us and many others due to dislike. Dislike impedes so many experiences that could change us. Dialogues that could probably help us see another side to things. For better or worse. Again that's another perspective. Another to be discussed. For another time.

I dislike many things you know. The list isn't long and endless. It's a few things. But their ambit can cover several permutations and combinations. Convenient eh? Heh.

If there was a resolution for me this 2009, it would be to get that list out and do some spring cleaning.

The more I dislike, the smaller my yard gets. And I don't like small yards.

Happy New Year.

Now that I'm married...

Thought I'd share my little oath taking ceremony with the few who traverse this blog. :) Yup, I'm married now.

Insight

Over the past couple of months or so; I've had the opportunity to discuss several aspects of self-evolution with a good friend.

'Work-in-progress' may sound very intelligent, but to be honest it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

But that's what we are - work.in.progress.

It all began over a buffet lunch; when the jokes made way for serious banter and I found myself wallowing deep in what we call self-induced mull. My friend being a total sport joined in enthusiastically.

So while one group cracked up on the live entertainment and stuff memories are made of. She and I started sharing our personal anecdotes directly inspired from a book we're both reading (A New Earth).

Don't be fooled by it's OTT promise; the text is extremely heavy with what one can only begin to describe as 'prepared and peppered with extreme know-how'. So much so that the premise is simple - either you're ready or you're not. There's no in between.

A key point from our discussion is how every single act or reaction in our lives draws deeply from roots we almost always overlook or take for granted. Some of the stuff we always think we were too young to handle permeate through to adulthood for example.

It was quite a revelation when during a phone call recently the point was further broken down for me; when she asked me a rhetoric. Do you feel as if there are certain people or situations that seem to repeat itself constantly in your life? I had to agree there were. Definitely.

You keep meeting these people in your life; and you think you know them from somewhere or they remind of someone. You wouldn't have met this person your whole life, but the feeling or situations that come attached seem so familiar.

Unresolved in your mind. Unresolved in your present.

I guess letting go is easier said that done. I mean where would one start for example? Where would I even begin to unravel those very thoughts that now confound me when I need to make a choice, decision or even a step.

Most of go through life basing so much on a random event, occurrence or thought. Sometimes it becomes the very foundation of what we build our lives on. How many of us are paralysed by a fear, supposition or opinion or idea.

We're consumed by its familiarity, thrive in its warm softness and then can't seem to dip our toes into anything remotely different.

We blame our random event, we blame it till the cows home. We identify ourselves with it, we live it everyday, we colour our decisions with it. We wallow in it. We draw boundaries with it. for ourselves.

In my own little cosmos, I'd ideally like to stop the repeating waves of debilitating .

Let's just say off late I've been feeling two things; confusion and over a few events; nothing to drastic but nevertheless, enough to keep me 'knit-browed'. The second being disappointment; the realisation of a few universal truths (much like Murphy's law) has not been really kind in it revelation.

So in this particular stew I languish, slurping up every possible wave of gravy that accosts me. Smacking it down wondering anyone will throw me a bread stick so I can get outta here and to something.

Apoall pinne kanaam. Salut.

My.First.Desert.Safari.

Yeah. So...I went on this Safari and it was pretty intense. It's my first ever. Seeing that I've been here for 4 years, it's a shame I didn't do it earlier. But then everything has its time and place, don't it?

It was nice to have shared it with a few good people (I won't say men, because there were a fair share of women in that 4x4! You'll see what I mean.)

Here's a little excerpt from that experience in full Eastman colour. I had a really good time everyone. Thank you! Woohoo!