Despite the Despite.

Domestic violence. Tis without a doubt something one mulls about alone. It has been a recurring nightmare, it has been a scary thought. It is dreaded, and yet, it is silently endured by millions of women. Working women. Homemakers. Daughters. Mothers. Wives.

As i step into a new phase in my life, i consider partners and somehow my mental anguish drives me to check on family first. Odd. I'm marrying the man aren't i? But what maketh the man?

As we glide down the aisle to gasps and rustling silk, the euphoria is mixed with the spice of dread, with the yellow of fear, with the rush of adrenaline and inky black which is unknown. Looking up at him, you're thinking, "for better or worse...Who am i kidding here?"

Does is warrant a woman to bear the brunt of unfair petulance if the male's concept of food is not found on the table. Is it warranted if she doesn't go down on him enough? When she speaks her mind? When he thinks it's needed to keep things in check (also read as 'there was no other way, i tried everything else')? Is it warranted? Period.

Today, with the kind of media coverage and exposure to the world and it's events, things aren't a secret anymore. One of the pioneers of feminism took 5 years or more to get out of her violent marriage, while her views and blood rousing theory permeated into the society and spawned many others to begin a movement. Today we can be proud and say we definitely have it better. It's out there, the knowledge, the self help groups, the shelters. The unsure future. Not enough of it. But it's there. So is that a good sign?

So is it a time for us to heave sigh of relief or continue to be worried? Despite the despite, we're all still potential victims. I read an article on Krav Maga (Hebrew for contact combat) and i began to make mental notes to myself. I have to sign up. You can never tell what could happen.

You never know. In your quest for the 40 years together, something could snap. Or am i taking this too seriously? Can this be my way of preparing against, what i witnessed? What i have seen, heard and shared? Is it possible that in my formative years a steady but heavy dose of anger and a keen eye to take someone's innards out, make me more prepared. Am i prepared?

I sometimes lapse into a deep state of dark. I think of the worst that could happen to me. I think of being beaten, i think of being bruised, battered even. And i slump against the cupboard, heaving. I taste the salt in my blood, and i imagine the whole injustice of the arrangement. And all i can do is sob, a heavy, desperate and lonely sob.

I sometimes imagine kicking mid-violence, and hitting soft gut, of kicking the air out of the perp's lungs, and then a mad, blunt and determined punch to the throat. I imagine standing over and finally seeing what dead really is. And i spit in contempt.

I hope i never have to resort to any of the two. Cause i know it will be a twist of both. Latter. Definitely. One cannot imagine the drive i have. I can't fathom the whole feeling myself. It's that deep. It's that ingrained. To fend for myself.

"If i don't love you. God help you. If i do. Then there's hope."

We call them mothers and many times we take so much of their lives for granted. And when you hit womanhood, the can of worms begin to spill. They're everywhere. And then after it's all out in the open. They smile, sigh and shake their heads trouncing off to make lunch. Leaving you in a perpetuated vortex of horrible. You shake from outrage, you sit there stumped for expression. And then it seeps into you - cold, tar-like fear. What if? What would i do?

I don't fear the consequences of walking out. I don't fear what the world would say about me. I do not think that there is reason enough (not even in religion) to put up with that. I do not believe that a woman needs to stay in it for the kids. I don't believe the kids would want that either.

Even if it says that a woman comes from man, or even it says we're to consider ourselves below the male. Or even if we did hand you the Apple. There isn't enough anywhere to make up for it. No reason on earth or the third dimension. No matter what it is. I'm sure there's a lot more to it than just Chapter X. Vs x - y. There's more to it.

For those of you who sit at the table. At the head. If you believe that it is your right. Then believe this. That there will be a backlash. To everything that is taken for granted. There is a full circle.

And may you be at the recieving end of it.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Post-trance like state - I do believe in the good of humanity, and i do believe that i will find someone who isn't the kind to 'let-the-belt-do-the-talking'. I do know that there are families who have had a more realistic approach to things in life, and that guys know better. Think and feel. That they have a more open and loving attitude.

I used to have a vague idea of what i would want my partner to be. It's not that anymore. It's changed. Now, i know what i want. No ideas, no borrowed or sugar coated possibilities.

I know. But i had to write this. So...yeah.

Later.